Thursday, November 11, 2010
Key to the Past....
I have in the backpack I carry around the city when I'm on foot, a key. As the standalone object, it is silver, is some sort of a door key and it has a turquoise ring around the head. "What does it unlock?" you may be asking yourself, or if you weren't, you are now. It is the side door key to an old friend's house in DC, but if were only that simple. "Why are you blogging about this?" and/or "Why am I reading this?" is probably the next question. Down the rabbit hole (or through the key hole...whatever).
For those who know the back story from this blog, my ex and I were on shaky ground in 2006. Actually it was more like when California sank into the ocean during the movie 2012. We had broken up in March, but due to his financial situation he couldn't "move out" (read: take his shit somewhere) and would be seen all over the city at odd times and doing odd things....Whitney Houston had nothing on him.
Anywho, during this time one of that core group of 6 (that I became the seventh of) offered me sanctuary in the form of that key. If I ever needed to get away, collect my thoughts, or was just looking to escape, that was my open invitation. It was, and still remains, a very grand gesture by someone in my social circles. I never used it, but that key was like my membership card.
New York.....left Starbucks.....job hopping.....bad habits...cut out.....bad roommate.....laid off.....moved home (the past 59 blogs in a nutshell).
My social circle is now very limited and really looks like work more times than not. I don't do the scene in DC due to my current and amazing partner. I did not come back the same person and I was a stranger to everyone, or so I felt and continue to feel. My life is full of school and gym and work that I hardly think of the "good old days," but when I do its usually with a mix of fondness and the same skepticism of looking at an optical illusion or the Mona Lisa. It was what it was; I contained it in my 20s, and can't do anything but face forward.
But that key is still in my backpack. I had a minor falling out with the person who gave it to me while I was in NYC, and then reconciled once I moved back, but we've gone to friends to "we used to hang out" and neither of us skip a beat. I should have given the key back. Or it probably doesn't fit any of the locks now. It has a new purpose. It reminds me of my sordid past, but it also is a glaring representation of my inability to let go. I have made the decision time and time again to not throw the key out. Like one day while walking or driving DC I'm just going to hang a right on 16th and head up like the last four years didn't happen.
But boy did they happen. I think those were my most formative years so far. I accomplished the goal of moving to NYC, but learned that it's OK to throw in the towel and move back. I learned the no matter how thick you think friendships are, they are all only one misunderstanding and one unplaced phone call away from breaking apart. I learned to finally not care about rumors people may say about me, especially if I never see those who passed it around in the first place. Finally, I learned, or realized, that my life (I don't know about anyone else's) is like a book of short stories. They may all have the same author, and maybe the same theme, but they all also have their own beginning, middle and end with their own cast of characters. I move on very (all most too) easily. My friends today are people I've met within the past 20 months. I have no desire to ever go to a high school reunion and I rarely make the effort to talk to fraternity brothers.
It's like I have a past, but I don't come with history, or a mythology. I feel like nothing I do or am involved in today is a derivative of something I did in my 20s.
It's not really a bad thing though. Life seems uncluttered. Of people, of anniversaries, of needless phone calls; I'm able to stay focused.
Some may think that I'm an asshole or very untrusting of others or that I don't care. I'm really not asshole-ic unless necessary. I trust people and let them in all the time and I do care, but I also realize that I can't waste time trying to keep tabs on where I've been that's a lot of luggage.
So I think I'll toss the key now.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
And Things That I Care Less About
Keeping up with the Joneses
Typical-gays
The next high
The next lay
The GOP
Bible-thin arguments against gay marriage that never prove their point
Email
Being the number one guy in charge
Trying to keep up with people that never cared to keep up with me
Phone calls
Bill collectors
Dwelling on mistakes
Just to name a few.
Random Things That Make Me Happy
Mickey Mouse
Dance/Pop Music
Rollercoasters
A man who really adores me
Buffy
Angel
Charmed
Singing in the car
iPods
Saving money
Starting Grad School
Parents that have shown unconditional love
Being back in DC to see my neice grow up and a new neice or nephew on the way
Building a relationship with my Dad
Sleeping in
Getting up early
The gym and watching me grow naturally
Janet Jackson
Britney Spears
Madonna
The View
Ellen DeGeneres
That I'm not afraid of making mistakes
New friends that have opened my eyes to how life is lived on the other side, away from drama and drugs.
Hoping that my old friends that are still in drama and drugs may one day come out of that.
$40 haircuts
That I drive a pick-up truck
Talk radio
UFC/MMA
Wikipedia
Entertainment Weekly
TV Shows on DVD
That I got my self-pride back
Another Reboot
Tired of reducing thoughts to a few simple, thought provoking lines on Facebook or 140 tweeting characters, I'm re-embracing my blog.
I care about what's on my Facebook page status, and society tells me I have to care about posting ad nauseum on Twitter. I care less about what is posted on here, because I don't know how many people out there ever read my blog. I know past friends have, my ex-boyfriend has, an old fraternity brother has, and a few people who felt moved or amused enough to comment back (Thanks! I enjoy the comments.)
I never censored on here, and I don't plan on starting. At this point in my life, if I censored, I'd have nothing to say. Having nothing to say is like not existing. I promise to offend, amuse, stir the pot, call people out, ramble on, etc.
I was trying to focus energy on writing a book or memoir about my twenties. Not from the "gay" angle, or the "drug" angle, but from the "one foot in front of the other" angle. I'm not defined as gay or recovering addict or male or white; I share those aspects with millions of other people. I am defined by the choices I've made and will continue to make. I chose to let getting high take priority over a lot of real and tangible things during the entire Bush Administration (I think a lot of you did too.) I chose to move to New York, I chose to socialize in a way that would not produce long lasting friendships and I chose to move back and start on a different way of living my life, that is closer and more true to who I am.
The book would have put the last Harry Potter novel to shame in length.
It was to be too self depricating, too self absorbed, too preachy and I didn't want to run the risk of Oprah or Starbucks choosing it as the book of the month.
A book has a begining, middle and end. I'm not finished yet.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Sense of Accomplishment pt. 2 - Goal Reaching is Risky
I write this as I sit in my half-empty Harlem apartment I moved into with my friend, Glanson, just four short months ago from the cute training-apartment in Brooklyn that I spent my first two years in NYC.
I go back to DC; home, friends, family, familiarity, less stress and more control wait for me. It is sad, but not dissappointing. If I had the time, or the complete lack of a sense of "sharing too much" I'd lay out the sordid details for you. But it would come across as the typical "lesson learned" or "do as I say, not as I do" story to the rest of you.
I forgot to do something before I moved back in 2006. I forgot to figure me out again. Then, in my late 20s and newly single (with issues stemming from the split) I had become a different Matt than the 23 y/o pre-relationship. I didn't know who the new Matt was, and probably thought he was in NYC waiting for me with the NY Time crossword and a respectable social life.
The new Matt was still in DC this whole time, Washington Post Op-Ed in one hand and phone in the other, calling or texting old friends just to say 'hi' and to enrich those existing relationships.
I ran. Fast and hard and expensively. I wasn't totally frivilous, but not smart either. I focussed on everything at once - dating, sex, socializing, work, finances, without knowing or caring what should be done first; I did as something presented itself for attention or resolution. No plans, always reacting.
I could say I lost a lot - but what I'm walking away with in experience and knowledge and fewer questions outweighs what could be considdered a waste of time, money, relationships (made and potential) etc.
Family is the most important thing. Unless derived from evil and selfishness, they are ALWAYS there for you. They will always support you. They don't care about anything except their kid's safety and health, they will help in someway with the rest.
Friends are only as good as you let them. Only as loyal as you show back and only as fleeting as one unreturned phone call.
Jobs are just for the bills. Careers are hard to come by. A balance is the better road taken.
Finally, knowing when to say 'stop' or when to take a new direction when the current path isn't cutting it for you is nothing but impecable timing.
I go back to DC; home, friends, family, familiarity, less stress and more control wait for me. It is sad, but not dissappointing. If I had the time, or the complete lack of a sense of "sharing too much" I'd lay out the sordid details for you. But it would come across as the typical "lesson learned" or "do as I say, not as I do" story to the rest of you.
I forgot to do something before I moved back in 2006. I forgot to figure me out again. Then, in my late 20s and newly single (with issues stemming from the split) I had become a different Matt than the 23 y/o pre-relationship. I didn't know who the new Matt was, and probably thought he was in NYC waiting for me with the NY Time crossword and a respectable social life.
The new Matt was still in DC this whole time, Washington Post Op-Ed in one hand and phone in the other, calling or texting old friends just to say 'hi' and to enrich those existing relationships.
I ran. Fast and hard and expensively. I wasn't totally frivilous, but not smart either. I focussed on everything at once - dating, sex, socializing, work, finances, without knowing or caring what should be done first; I did as something presented itself for attention or resolution. No plans, always reacting.
I could say I lost a lot - but what I'm walking away with in experience and knowledge and fewer questions outweighs what could be considdered a waste of time, money, relationships (made and potential) etc.
Family is the most important thing. Unless derived from evil and selfishness, they are ALWAYS there for you. They will always support you. They don't care about anything except their kid's safety and health, they will help in someway with the rest.
Friends are only as good as you let them. Only as loyal as you show back and only as fleeting as one unreturned phone call.
Jobs are just for the bills. Careers are hard to come by. A balance is the better road taken.
Finally, knowing when to say 'stop' or when to take a new direction when the current path isn't cutting it for you is nothing but impecable timing.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Just Putting It Out There
I'm ready.
2 years and four months later I have memories that bring more smiles than disgust. It took a lot of filtering, a lot of talking in circles and a lot of private thoughts about my ex that were just plain mean. I guess you could say I've forgiven him. Not sure if I'll ever call him up to tell him personally (some communication lines are best left severed) but I feel a certain level of ease and understanding about the entire 4 and a half year relationship.
I'm kinda lonely.
It took a certain level of self-induced emotional, mental and physical isolation for me to get past it all. Unfortunately that took its toll along the way. I'd rather not think of the countless friendships or possible boyfriends that could have been. I cut myself off and purposefully made myself unavailable and elusive, in my mind, to save others from the baggage I still carried. I don't like to burden or have others feel responsible to or for me.
I'm singular again.
Even in the two years after the break up my name was still attached to a dual hyphenate "Matt-and-Rich" as people tried to figure out my juxtaposition to certain places, times, events, etc. It happens when you are with someone. You tend to become as one and act as one. The addition is almost immediate, the subtraction is another story.
I'm kinda over myself.
I went through (and still do from time to time) some seriously selfish phases leading up to and resulting from the break up. I wore my ego as a Cloak of Invincibility as I learned to socially operate on my own again. That got boring. The quirky ones, the guys with a self-awareness of themselves are the more attractive ones. The Invincible ones come off as two-dimentional and shallow.
I'm comfortable with emotion in any form again.
After my break up emotions took on these extremes that, frankly, wore me out. I fought hard to stay even keeled, which I think led me to becoming temporarily emotionally mute. Kind of like having to say "I'm sad." or "I'm happy" after a Botox treatment; unable to register a facial change.
I'm really really curious.
As to what dating and crushing and exploring and relating to a new man in my life will be like. I'm interested in seeing how a "Matt" with some life experiences navigates through it all in NYC, versus the "Matt" who was bright eyed and wet behind the ears the first time around in DC.
Yeah, its time....
2 years and four months later I have memories that bring more smiles than disgust. It took a lot of filtering, a lot of talking in circles and a lot of private thoughts about my ex that were just plain mean. I guess you could say I've forgiven him. Not sure if I'll ever call him up to tell him personally (some communication lines are best left severed) but I feel a certain level of ease and understanding about the entire 4 and a half year relationship.
I'm kinda lonely.
It took a certain level of self-induced emotional, mental and physical isolation for me to get past it all. Unfortunately that took its toll along the way. I'd rather not think of the countless friendships or possible boyfriends that could have been. I cut myself off and purposefully made myself unavailable and elusive, in my mind, to save others from the baggage I still carried. I don't like to burden or have others feel responsible to or for me.
I'm singular again.
Even in the two years after the break up my name was still attached to a dual hyphenate "Matt-and-Rich" as people tried to figure out my juxtaposition to certain places, times, events, etc. It happens when you are with someone. You tend to become as one and act as one. The addition is almost immediate, the subtraction is another story.
I'm kinda over myself.
I went through (and still do from time to time) some seriously selfish phases leading up to and resulting from the break up. I wore my ego as a Cloak of Invincibility as I learned to socially operate on my own again. That got boring. The quirky ones, the guys with a self-awareness of themselves are the more attractive ones. The Invincible ones come off as two-dimentional and shallow.
I'm comfortable with emotion in any form again.
After my break up emotions took on these extremes that, frankly, wore me out. I fought hard to stay even keeled, which I think led me to becoming temporarily emotionally mute. Kind of like having to say "I'm sad." or "I'm happy" after a Botox treatment; unable to register a facial change.
I'm really really curious.
As to what dating and crushing and exploring and relating to a new man in my life will be like. I'm interested in seeing how a "Matt" with some life experiences navigates through it all in NYC, versus the "Matt" who was bright eyed and wet behind the ears the first time around in DC.
Yeah, its time....
Sunday, March 09, 2008
A "Discipline"d Review
Janet Jackson album releases are major events in my life. Maybe not so for most other people, but for the most part, each new album since Rhythm Nation 1814 has become my "theme music" for the subsequent years until the next release. The one exception was the last album, 20 Y.0., released September 2006. It just wasn't a JANET album. There were a couple notable tracks, but the end result seemed rushed.
HOWEVER, she's back with a vengence with her 10th studio album that recently became her 6th NUMBER ONE album! Below is my song-by-song review of the album:
1. I.D. - interlude
2. Feedback - the single that's already out there that is amazing. Great hook and lyrics. Extremely dancable and once again taking the pop music game to the next level. A
3. Luv - Pretty good beat, but in this case the production slightly overshadows the lyrics, sometimes making them hard to make out. The metaphor of a new love coming on quick and as noticable as a car wreck is a great angle to explore. B
4. Spinnin - interlude
5. Rollercoaster - The second pop-music genre bending track on the album. A breezy summer song with a twisted under beat. The lyrics, however, are slightly young for Miss J (you take me upside down with emotions, like a rollercoaster, spinnin like a ferris wheel). They're a little Jessica Simpson (pre-sex), but over all make for a good listen. B
6. Bathroom Break - interlude
7. Rock With U - the second single that's going to ROCK the clubs. What a great hommage to the club culture of yesteryear with its euro-pop/disco track and breathy (suitably so) lyrics. And the video.....by far the best use of the music video medium to portray the song's actual message (and a great throw back to some classic Kyle Minoge videos). B+
8. 2Nite - what would be looked at as the "dance" song, a la Throb and All Nite (Don't Stop), but only if the entire record wasn't already jam-packed with get-off-your-ass dance songs already. To be honest, while a great dance track, it gets a little lost in the shuffle with stronger songs on either side of it. B
9. Can't B Good - Classic Janet mid-tempo. So classic, in fact, that you could probably lift it from this album and place it on any others going back to 1993's janet. Radio-friendly and easy melody will make this one a radio hit, but for hard-core Jan fans, it feels like a possible hold over from a previous album's recording sessions. B-
10. 4 Words - interlude
11. Never Letchu Go - my least favorite. The throwaway ballad that drags the momentum down too much. Plus, the guitar hook is way too Nelson or Wilson Phillips for my taste. On an album full of mid to uptempo songs, this one (of three) slow jams sticks out, but only as the (only) track I skip. C
12. Truth or Dare - interlude
13. Greatest X - An OK song, but one that Janet says she chose for the song itself and not because of any personal references. Another one? Since the All for You album and her divorce with Renee Elizondo that preceeded it the year before, Janet has thrown in at least one "ex" song, that she then goes on record saying that its really not about her personal break up (and litterally says "It's not who you think it is" at the end of Damita Jo's "Thinkin About My Ex"). The song itself - C+. The decision for putting it on the album - D.
14. Good Morning Janet - interlude
15. So Much Betta - The craziest song and most infectious song, SO WHY IS IT ONLY 2:30 MINUTES LONG? Driving hip-hop dance beats, perfectly timed rewound lyrics within the song, and a FUCK YOU message. B+
16. Play Selection - interlude
17. The 1 feat. Missy Elliot - Perfection. 100% perfection. Perfect choice in having Missy contribute and a great retro/post modern drum kick (listen and you'll understand.) A
18. What's Ur Name - A cute song. Nice breezy midtempo song that will probably share a double-A side single with Rollercoaster. But again, the lyrics (with references to T-Mobile sidekicks) are young for a well-established diva. B
19. The Meaning - interlude
20. Discipline - THE BABY MAKING SONG. While racy, its MUCH more tame than songs of the same ilk. And no, when she sings of someone she calls "Daddy" it is NOT referencing to any form of incest from her past or a desire for in the future. In the sex-fettish world, those who are into Discipline play often refer to their "leader" or "top" as "Daddy" as requested by the "master" or relating to a roll-play fantasy. The song has a great hook and does a good job at delivering a sexy message without being as graphic as she has in the past. B+
21. Back - interlude
22. Curtains - The surprise at the end. In the past, Janet albums have followed a loose formula of putting the up tempo songs first, and slowly backing down to the slow-jams, with some mixed results. Mostly, the last 20 minutes of any album tend to drone on with songs that could have been cut. Curtains, however, picks the pace back up slightly with a cute metaphor relating Janet performing in concert to Janet performing in the bedroom. On first listen, you won't pick up on the more subtle references that turn out to be explicit once decoded, which is the best part of the song. A-
The interludes - I'm glad they're back to "normal" Janet-album levels. On 20 y.o. she alluded to the fact that she had said so much in the previous albums' interludes that sometimes it was better not to to say anything. The result was 4 random interludes that seperated the "moods" or tempos of the album, but with random word/music pairings that didn't really contribute. On Discipline, the interludes are cute, short, and somewhat follow a concept; Janet interacting with her personal computer, Kioko, that not only plays requested songs, but wake up calls, a "shoulder" to briefly lean on and a duet partner (So Much Betta). It would have worked great, if all nine of them followed this theme. Even better, she maybe could have explored the different moods and meanings derived from the word discipline as it pertained to each grouping of songs to tie it all together. Interludes as a whole - B-.
Album as a whole B (almost a B+). The throwaway songs really kept it from being a truly classic Janet album like Control or even Velvet Rope.
With that being said; my top five Janet albums of all time:
5. Velvet Rope
4. Damita Jo
3. Discipline
2. All for You/RN 1814 (tie)
1. janet.
HOWEVER, she's back with a vengence with her 10th studio album that recently became her 6th NUMBER ONE album! Below is my song-by-song review of the album:
1. I.D. - interlude
2. Feedback - the single that's already out there that is amazing. Great hook and lyrics. Extremely dancable and once again taking the pop music game to the next level. A
3. Luv - Pretty good beat, but in this case the production slightly overshadows the lyrics, sometimes making them hard to make out. The metaphor of a new love coming on quick and as noticable as a car wreck is a great angle to explore. B
4. Spinnin - interlude
5. Rollercoaster - The second pop-music genre bending track on the album. A breezy summer song with a twisted under beat. The lyrics, however, are slightly young for Miss J (you take me upside down with emotions, like a rollercoaster, spinnin like a ferris wheel). They're a little Jessica Simpson (pre-sex), but over all make for a good listen. B
6. Bathroom Break - interlude
7. Rock With U - the second single that's going to ROCK the clubs. What a great hommage to the club culture of yesteryear with its euro-pop/disco track and breathy (suitably so) lyrics. And the video.....by far the best use of the music video medium to portray the song's actual message (and a great throw back to some classic Kyle Minoge videos). B+
8. 2Nite - what would be looked at as the "dance" song, a la Throb and All Nite (Don't Stop), but only if the entire record wasn't already jam-packed with get-off-your-ass dance songs already. To be honest, while a great dance track, it gets a little lost in the shuffle with stronger songs on either side of it. B
9. Can't B Good - Classic Janet mid-tempo. So classic, in fact, that you could probably lift it from this album and place it on any others going back to 1993's janet. Radio-friendly and easy melody will make this one a radio hit, but for hard-core Jan fans, it feels like a possible hold over from a previous album's recording sessions. B-
10. 4 Words - interlude
11. Never Letchu Go - my least favorite. The throwaway ballad that drags the momentum down too much. Plus, the guitar hook is way too Nelson or Wilson Phillips for my taste. On an album full of mid to uptempo songs, this one (of three) slow jams sticks out, but only as the (only) track I skip. C
12. Truth or Dare - interlude
13. Greatest X - An OK song, but one that Janet says she chose for the song itself and not because of any personal references. Another one? Since the All for You album and her divorce with Renee Elizondo that preceeded it the year before, Janet has thrown in at least one "ex" song, that she then goes on record saying that its really not about her personal break up (and litterally says "It's not who you think it is" at the end of Damita Jo's "Thinkin About My Ex"). The song itself - C+. The decision for putting it on the album - D.
14. Good Morning Janet - interlude
15. So Much Betta - The craziest song and most infectious song, SO WHY IS IT ONLY 2:30 MINUTES LONG? Driving hip-hop dance beats, perfectly timed rewound lyrics within the song, and a FUCK YOU message. B+
16. Play Selection - interlude
17. The 1 feat. Missy Elliot - Perfection. 100% perfection. Perfect choice in having Missy contribute and a great retro/post modern drum kick (listen and you'll understand.) A
18. What's Ur Name - A cute song. Nice breezy midtempo song that will probably share a double-A side single with Rollercoaster. But again, the lyrics (with references to T-Mobile sidekicks) are young for a well-established diva. B
19. The Meaning - interlude
20. Discipline - THE BABY MAKING SONG. While racy, its MUCH more tame than songs of the same ilk. And no, when she sings of someone she calls "Daddy" it is NOT referencing to any form of incest from her past or a desire for in the future. In the sex-fettish world, those who are into Discipline play often refer to their "leader" or "top" as "Daddy" as requested by the "master" or relating to a roll-play fantasy. The song has a great hook and does a good job at delivering a sexy message without being as graphic as she has in the past. B+
21. Back - interlude
22. Curtains - The surprise at the end. In the past, Janet albums have followed a loose formula of putting the up tempo songs first, and slowly backing down to the slow-jams, with some mixed results. Mostly, the last 20 minutes of any album tend to drone on with songs that could have been cut. Curtains, however, picks the pace back up slightly with a cute metaphor relating Janet performing in concert to Janet performing in the bedroom. On first listen, you won't pick up on the more subtle references that turn out to be explicit once decoded, which is the best part of the song. A-
The interludes - I'm glad they're back to "normal" Janet-album levels. On 20 y.o. she alluded to the fact that she had said so much in the previous albums' interludes that sometimes it was better not to to say anything. The result was 4 random interludes that seperated the "moods" or tempos of the album, but with random word/music pairings that didn't really contribute. On Discipline, the interludes are cute, short, and somewhat follow a concept; Janet interacting with her personal computer, Kioko, that not only plays requested songs, but wake up calls, a "shoulder" to briefly lean on and a duet partner (So Much Betta). It would have worked great, if all nine of them followed this theme. Even better, she maybe could have explored the different moods and meanings derived from the word discipline as it pertained to each grouping of songs to tie it all together. Interludes as a whole - B-.
Album as a whole B (almost a B+). The throwaway songs really kept it from being a truly classic Janet album like Control or even Velvet Rope.
With that being said; my top five Janet albums of all time:
5. Velvet Rope
4. Damita Jo
3. Discipline
2. All for You/RN 1814 (tie)
1. janet.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Stripped
I borrow shamelessly from Christina Aguilera's 2003 album of the same name because that's how I feel right now. It's the night before my first paycheck in well over a month. Both accounts are well past empty, I'll be fishing for quarters tomorrow morning for my cup of coffee, and for some reason I find myself on a low-social contact diet. At first not voluntary, but as it goes on, it's kind of refreshing.
Living at bare-bones, or close to them, puts a lot in perspective. What was once a "need to do" or "have to have" becomes a "nice again someday." Those that were "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'm young enough to push off" or any other procrastination justification suddenly becomes a genuine interest or source of excitement again.
At one level there are things that I've done or put in my body and mind that I am really thinking numbed me to real life experiences. When you live for the weekend or the next party or the next great fuck, you really do miss out on what happens in between. You stop making decisions; you let too much just "happen" and possibly spin out of your control. The come down starts to out weigh and last longer than the jack-up.
Cold-turkey or never again? I doubt it. But I'm not comfortable or even slightly interested in making real life a struggle for a few hours of pleasure or fun (with people that I'm more and more becoming afraid that I may not truly be in the long haul with, which is really unfortunate, because I miss them terribly, but I can't force it.) But now that I'm stripped down to a raw state I find myself enjoying more of the day to day than I have in a very long time.
Living at bare-bones, or close to them, puts a lot in perspective. What was once a "need to do" or "have to have" becomes a "nice again someday." Those that were "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'm young enough to push off" or any other procrastination justification suddenly becomes a genuine interest or source of excitement again.
At one level there are things that I've done or put in my body and mind that I am really thinking numbed me to real life experiences. When you live for the weekend or the next party or the next great fuck, you really do miss out on what happens in between. You stop making decisions; you let too much just "happen" and possibly spin out of your control. The come down starts to out weigh and last longer than the jack-up.
Cold-turkey or never again? I doubt it. But I'm not comfortable or even slightly interested in making real life a struggle for a few hours of pleasure or fun (with people that I'm more and more becoming afraid that I may not truly be in the long haul with, which is really unfortunate, because I miss them terribly, but I can't force it.) But now that I'm stripped down to a raw state I find myself enjoying more of the day to day than I have in a very long time.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Darkest Before Dawn....Isn't That the Sun Over There?
So for those of you out there that have been reading this ongoing saga (and sending some really great comments and emails; and I thank-you) I felt like I couldn't keep you guys in the dark about my chugging-along reality.
Found a job. A God's-honest way of earning a living again. Once again back in the food business, but in these uncertainly uncertain economic times; recessions, The Dow Jones yo-yo (do you think he can Walk the Dog or Cat's Cradle?), tax return season and tax rebate rumors (more on that later) seeking my return to advertising was proving to be difficult at best. There's some job security in managing a branded restaurant. And its not like I'm not good at it or didn't enjoy my time at Starbucks. So not to let a poor 4-month long decision deter me, I head back to the grind on Monday (interviewed Tuesday, was offered on Wednesday, signed on Thursday - there, that was easy; and exactly 6 months to the day until my big 3-0. I oddly keep track of things like that) and it all comes...with a twist.
Back to school. The thought I never thought I would think. I hit the proverbial wall during my Senior semester in college. After spending the first months of my Senior year putting together an application to Grad School and all but receiving a physical acceptance letter in the mail, I returned from Spring Break (whoo-hoo) to find that wall, hit it hard, pull my application, and count the days til my last final. I was steadfast in saying I'd never go back....but even my stubborn mind can be shifted.
Of all people my own Mom planted the idea in my head a few weeks ago. It oddly came from left field but also felt like the next natural progression. Its time to beef up the knowledge, beef up the career base and start to fill up those days of 12-hour Buffy marathons.
Idle hands are of my own, and they can be the Devil's. I keep hearing on the news, etc. about people not having the time to do whatever. I find myself in the opposite position - having too much time...but still not accomplishing anything lately. I remember back to the days of school where a course load, a part time job and numerous "extra cirriculars" had my alotted 24 hours busting at the seams, but I was happy. Fat-ly happy on stress and interaction and having to use my brain in more ways than just "work" and "home."
So the research begins. My preference is to get my MBA from NYU, specializing in Tourism and Hospitaity. My goal is to start matriculating Fall 2008. Filling my evenings and weekends with lectures, reading, papers and practicums. I couldn't be more excited. (So if anyone has some financial aid suggestions for me - let the emails fly.)
Found a job. A God's-honest way of earning a living again. Once again back in the food business, but in these uncertainly uncertain economic times; recessions, The Dow Jones yo-yo (do you think he can Walk the Dog or Cat's Cradle?), tax return season and tax rebate rumors (more on that later) seeking my return to advertising was proving to be difficult at best. There's some job security in managing a branded restaurant. And its not like I'm not good at it or didn't enjoy my time at Starbucks. So not to let a poor 4-month long decision deter me, I head back to the grind on Monday (interviewed Tuesday, was offered on Wednesday, signed on Thursday - there, that was easy; and exactly 6 months to the day until my big 3-0. I oddly keep track of things like that) and it all comes...with a twist.
Back to school. The thought I never thought I would think. I hit the proverbial wall during my Senior semester in college. After spending the first months of my Senior year putting together an application to Grad School and all but receiving a physical acceptance letter in the mail, I returned from Spring Break (whoo-hoo) to find that wall, hit it hard, pull my application, and count the days til my last final. I was steadfast in saying I'd never go back....but even my stubborn mind can be shifted.
Of all people my own Mom planted the idea in my head a few weeks ago. It oddly came from left field but also felt like the next natural progression. Its time to beef up the knowledge, beef up the career base and start to fill up those days of 12-hour Buffy marathons.
Idle hands are of my own, and they can be the Devil's. I keep hearing on the news, etc. about people not having the time to do whatever. I find myself in the opposite position - having too much time...but still not accomplishing anything lately. I remember back to the days of school where a course load, a part time job and numerous "extra cirriculars" had my alotted 24 hours busting at the seams, but I was happy. Fat-ly happy on stress and interaction and having to use my brain in more ways than just "work" and "home."
So the research begins. My preference is to get my MBA from NYU, specializing in Tourism and Hospitaity. My goal is to start matriculating Fall 2008. Filling my evenings and weekends with lectures, reading, papers and practicums. I couldn't be more excited. (So if anyone has some financial aid suggestions for me - let the emails fly.)
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