Last One on the Blog Train

Key to the Past....

2010-11-11T07:39:00.003-05:00

I have in the backpack I carry around the city when I'm on foot, a key. As the standalone object, it is silver, is some sort of a door key and it has a turquoise ring around the head. "What does it unlock?" you may be asking yourself, or if you weren't, you are now. It is the side door key to an old friend's house in DC, but if were only that simple. "Why are you blogging about this?" and/or "Why am I reading this?" is probably the next question. Down the rabbit hole (or through the key hole...whatever).

For those who know the back story from this blog, my ex and I were on shaky ground in 2006. Actually it was more like when California sank into the ocean during the movie 2012. We had broken up in March, but due to his financial situation he couldn't "move out" (read: take his shit somewhere) and would be seen all over the city at odd times and doing odd things....Whitney Houston had nothing on him.

Anywho, during this time one of that core group of 6 (that I became the seventh of) offered me sanctuary in the form of that key. If I ever needed to get away, collect my thoughts, or was just looking to escape, that was my open invitation. It was, and still remains, a very grand gesture by someone in my social circles. I never used it, but that key was like my membership card.

New York.....left Starbucks.....job hopping.....bad habits...cut out.....bad roommate.....laid off.....moved home (the past 59 blogs in a nutshell).

My social circle is now very limited and really looks like work more times than not. I don't do the scene in DC due to my current and amazing partner. I did not come back the same person and I was a stranger to everyone, or so I felt and continue to feel. My life is full of school and gym and work that I hardly think of the "good old days," but when I do its usually with a mix of fondness and the same skepticism of looking at an optical illusion or the Mona Lisa. It was what it was; I contained it in my 20s, and can't do anything but face forward.

But that key is still in my backpack. I had a minor falling out with the person who gave it to me while I was in NYC, and then reconciled once I moved back, but we've gone to friends to "we used to hang out" and neither of us skip a beat. I should have given the key back. Or it probably doesn't fit any of the locks now. It has a new purpose. It reminds me of my sordid past, but it also is a glaring representation of my inability to let go. I have made the decision time and time again to not throw the key out. Like one day while walking or driving DC I'm just going to hang a right on 16th and head up like the last four years didn't happen.

But boy did they happen. I think those were my most formative years so far. I accomplished the goal of moving to NYC, but learned that it's OK to throw in the towel and move back. I learned the no matter how thick you think friendships are, they are all only one misunderstanding and one unplaced phone call away from breaking apart. I learned to finally not care about rumors people may say about me, especially if I never see those who passed it around in the first place. Finally, I learned, or realized, that my life (I don't know about anyone else's) is like a book of short stories. They may all have the same author, and maybe the same theme, but they all also have their own beginning, middle and end with their own cast of characters. I move on very (all most too) easily. My friends today are people I've met within the past 20 months. I have no desire to ever go to a high school reunion and I rarely make the effort to talk to fraternity brothers.

It's like I have a past, but I don't come with history, or a mythology. I feel like nothing I do or am involved in today is a derivative of something I did in my 20s.

It's not really a bad thing though. Life seems uncluttered. Of people, of anniversaries, of needless phone calls; I'm able to stay focused.

Some may think that I'm an asshole or very untrusting of others or that I don't care. I'm really not asshole-ic unless necessary. I trust people and let them in all the time and I do care, but I also realize that I can't waste time trying to keep tabs on where I've been that's a lot of luggage.

So I think I'll toss the key now.

And Things That I Care Less About

2009-04-19T03:27:00.002-04:00

Keeping up with the Joneses

Typical-gays

The next high

The next lay

The GOP

Bible-thin arguments against gay marriage that never prove their point

Being the number one guy in charge

Trying to keep up with people that never cared to keep up with me

Phone calls

Bill collectors

Dwelling on mistakes

Just to name a few.

Random Things That Make Me Happy

2009-04-19T03:18:00.002-04:00

Mickey Mouse

Dance/Pop Music

Rollercoasters

A man who really adores me

Buffy

Angel

Charmed

Singing in the car

iPods

Saving money

Starting Grad School

Parents that have shown unconditional love

Being back in DC to see my neice grow up and a new neice or nephew on the way

Building a relationship with my Dad

Sleeping in

Getting up early

The gym and watching me grow naturally

Janet Jackson

Britney Spears

Madonna

The View

Ellen DeGeneres

That I'm not afraid of making mistakes

New friends that have opened my eyes to how life is lived on the other side, away from drama and drugs.

Hoping that my old friends that are still in drama and drugs may one day come out of that.

$40 haircuts

That I drive a pick-up truck

Talk radio

UFC/MMA

Wikipedia

Entertainment Weekly

TV Shows on DVD

That I got my self-pride back

Another Reboot

2009-04-19T03:02:00.003-04:00

Tired of reducing thoughts to a few simple, thought provoking lines on Facebook or 140 tweeting characters, I'm re-embracing my blog.

I care about what's on my Facebook page status, and society tells me I have to care about posting ad nauseum on Twitter. I care less about what is posted on here, because I don't know how many people out there ever read my blog. I know past friends have, my ex-boyfriend has, an old fraternity brother has, and a few people who felt moved or amused enough to comment back (Thanks! I enjoy the comments.)

I never censored on here, and I don't plan on starting. At this point in my life, if I censored, I'd have nothing to say. Having nothing to say is like not existing. I promise to offend, amuse, stir the pot, call people out, ramble on, etc.

I was trying to focus energy on writing a book or memoir about my twenties. Not from the "gay" angle, or the "drug" angle, but from the "one foot in front of the other" angle. I'm not defined as gay or recovering addict or male or white; I share those aspects with millions of other people. I am defined by the choices I've made and will continue to make. I chose to let getting high take priority over a lot of real and tangible things during the entire Bush Administration (I think a lot of you did too.) I chose to move to New York, I chose to socialize in a way that would not produce long lasting friendships and I chose to move back and start on a different way of living my life, that is closer and more true to who I am.

The book would have put the last Harry Potter novel to shame in length.

It was to be too self depricating, too self absorbed, too preachy and I didn't want to run the risk of Oprah or Starbucks choosing it as the book of the month.

A book has a begining, middle and end. I'm not finished yet.

Sense of Accomplishment pt. 2 - Goal Reaching is Risky

2008-10-18T08:10:00.002-04:00

I write this as I sit in my half-empty Harlem apartment I moved into with my friend, Glanson, just four short months ago from the cute training-apartment in Brooklyn that I spent my first two years in NYC.

I go back to DC; home, friends, family, familiarity, less stress and more control wait for me. It is sad, but not dissappointing. If I had the time, or the complete lack of a sense of "sharing too much" I'd lay out the sordid details for you. But it would come across as the typical "lesson learned" or "do as I say, not as I do" story to the rest of you.

I forgot to do something before I moved back in 2006. I forgot to figure me out again. Then, in my late 20s and newly single (with issues stemming from the split) I had become a different Matt than the 23 y/o pre-relationship. I didn't know who the new Matt was, and probably thought he was in NYC waiting for me with the NY Time crossword and a respectable social life.

The new Matt was still in DC this whole time, Washington Post Op-Ed in one hand and phone in the other, calling or texting old friends just to say 'hi' and to enrich those existing relationships.

I ran. Fast and hard and expensively. I wasn't totally frivilous, but not smart either. I focussed on everything at once - dating, sex, socializing, work, finances, without knowing or caring what should be done first; I did as something presented itself for attention or resolution. No plans, always reacting.

I could say I lost a lot - but what I'm walking away with in experience and knowledge and fewer questions outweighs what could be considdered a waste of time, money, relationships (made and potential) etc.

Family is the most important thing. Unless derived from evil and selfishness, they are ALWAYS there for you. They will always support you. They don't care about anything except their kid's safety and health, they will help in someway with the rest.

Friends are only as good as you let them. Only as loyal as you show back and only as fleeting as one unreturned phone call.

Jobs are just for the bills. Careers are hard to come by. A balance is the better road taken.

Finally, knowing when to say 'stop' or when to take a new direction when the current path isn't cutting it for you is nothing but impecable timing.

Just Putting It Out There

2008-07-08T18:43:00.002-04:00

I'm ready.
2 years and four months later I have memories that bring more smiles than disgust. It took a lot of filtering, a lot of talking in circles and a lot of private thoughts about my ex that were just plain mean. I guess you could say I've forgiven him. Not sure if I'll ever call him up to tell him personally (some communication lines are best left severed) but I feel a certain level of ease and understanding about the entire 4 and a half year relationship.

I'm kinda lonely.
It took a certain level of self-induced emotional, mental and physical isolation for me to get past it all. Unfortunately that took its toll along the way. I'd rather not think of the countless friendships or possible boyfriends that could have been. I cut myself off and purposefully made myself unavailable and elusive, in my mind, to save others from the baggage I still carried. I don't like to burden or have others feel responsible to or for me.

I'm singular again.
Even in the two years after the break up my name was still attached to a dual hyphenate "Matt-and-Rich" as people tried to figure out my juxtaposition to certain places, times, events, etc. It happens when you are with someone. You tend to become as one and act as one. The addition is almost immediate, the subtraction is another story.

I'm kinda over myself.
I went through (and still do from time to time) some seriously selfish phases leading up to and resulting from the break up. I wore my ego as a Cloak of Invincibility as I learned to socially operate on my own again. That got boring. The quirky ones, the guys with a self-awareness of themselves are the more attractive ones. The Invincible ones come off as two-dimentional and shallow.

I'm comfortable with emotion in any form again.
After my break up emotions took on these extremes that, frankly, wore me out. I fought hard to stay even keeled, which I think led me to becoming temporarily emotionally mute. Kind of like having to say "I'm sad." or "I'm happy" after a Botox treatment; unable to register a facial change.

I'm really really curious.
As to what dating and crushing and exploring and relating to a new man in my life will be like. I'm interested in seeing how a "Matt" with some life experiences navigates through it all in NYC, versus the "Matt" who was bright eyed and wet behind the ears the first time around in DC.

Yeah, its time....

A "Discipline"d Review

2008-03-09T14:21:00.003-04:00

Janet Jackson album releases are major events in my life. Maybe not so for most other people, but for the most part, each new album since Rhythm Nation 1814 has become my "theme music" for the subsequent years until the next release. The one exception was the last album, 20 Y.0., released September 2006. It just wasn't a JANET album. There were a couple notable tracks, but the end result seemed rushed.

HOWEVER, she's back with a vengence with her 10th studio album that recently became her 6th NUMBER ONE album! Below is my song-by-song review of the album:

1. I.D. - interlude

2. Feedback - the single that's already out there that is amazing. Great hook and lyrics. Extremely dancable and once again taking the pop music game to the next level. A

3. Luv - Pretty good beat, but in this case the production slightly overshadows the lyrics, sometimes making them hard to make out. The metaphor of a new love coming on quick and as noticable as a car wreck is a great angle to explore. B

4. Spinnin - interlude

5. Rollercoaster - The second pop-music genre bending track on the album. A breezy summer song with a twisted under beat. The lyrics, however, are slightly young for Miss J (you take me upside down with emotions, like a rollercoaster, spinnin like a ferris wheel). They're a little Jessica Simpson (pre-sex), but over all make for a good listen. B

6. Bathroom Break - interlude

7. Rock With U - the second single that's going to ROCK the clubs. What a great hommage to the club culture of yesteryear with its euro-pop/disco track and breathy (suitably so) lyrics. And the video.....by far the best use of the music video medium to portray the song's actual message (and a great throw back to some classic Kyle Minoge videos). B+

8. 2Nite - what would be looked at as the "dance" song, a la Throb and All Nite (Don't Stop), but only if the entire record wasn't already jam-packed with get-off-your-ass dance songs already. To be honest, while a great dance track, it gets a little lost in the shuffle with stronger songs on either side of it. B

9. Can't B Good - Classic Janet mid-tempo. So classic, in fact, that you could probably lift it from this album and place it on any others going back to 1993's janet. Radio-friendly and easy melody will make this one a radio hit, but for hard-core Jan fans, it feels like a possible hold over from a previous album's recording sessions. B-

10. 4 Words - interlude

11. Never Letchu Go - my least favorite. The throwaway ballad that drags the momentum down too much. Plus, the guitar hook is way too Nelson or Wilson Phillips for my taste. On an album full of mid to uptempo songs, this one (of three) slow jams sticks out, but only as the (only) track I skip. C

12. Truth or Dare - interlude

13. Greatest X - An OK song, but one that Janet says she chose for the song itself and not because of any personal references. Another one? Since the All for You album and her divorce with Renee Elizondo that preceeded it the year before, Janet has thrown in at least one "ex" song, that she then goes on record saying that its really not about her personal break up (and litterally says "It's not who you think it is" at the end of Damita Jo's "Thinkin About My Ex"). The song itself - C+. The decision for putting it on the album - D.

14. Good Morning Janet - interlude

15. So Much Betta - The craziest song and most infectious song, SO WHY IS IT ONLY 2:30 MINUTES LONG? Driving hip-hop dance beats, perfectly timed rewound lyrics within the song, and a FUCK YOU message. B+

16. Play Selection - interlude

17. The 1 feat. Missy Elliot - Perfection. 100% perfection. Perfect choice in having Missy contribute and a great retro/post modern drum kick (listen and you'll understand.) A

18. What's Ur Name - A cute song. Nice breezy midtempo song that will probably share a double-A side single with Rollercoaster. But again, the lyrics (with references to T-Mobile sidekicks) are young for a well-established diva. B

19. The Meaning - interlude

20. Discipline - THE BABY MAKING SONG. While racy, its MUCH more tame than songs of the same ilk. And no, when she sings of someone she calls "Daddy" it is NOT referencing to any form of incest from her past or a desire for in the future. In the sex-fettish world, those who are into Discipline play often refer to their "leader" or "top" as "Daddy" as requested by the "master" or relating to a roll-play fantasy. The song has a great hook and does a good job at delivering a sexy message without being as graphic as she has in the past. B+

21. Back - interlude

22. Curtains - The surprise at the end. In the past, Janet albums have followed a loose formula of putting the up tempo songs first, and slowly backing down to the slow-jams, with some mixed results. Mostly, the last 20 minutes of any album tend to drone on with songs that could have been cut. Curtains, however, picks the pace back up slightly with a cute metaphor relating Janet performing in concert to Janet performing in the bedroom. On first listen, you won't pick up on the more subtle references that turn out to be explicit once decoded, which is the best part of the song. A-

The interludes - I'm glad they're back to "normal" Janet-album levels. On 20 y.o. she alluded to the fact that she had said so much in the previous albums' interludes that sometimes it was better not to to say anything. The result was 4 random interludes that seperated the "moods" or tempos of the album, but with random word/music pairings that didn't really contribute. On Discipline, the interludes are cute, short, and somewhat follow a concept; Janet interacting with her personal computer, Kioko, that not only plays requested songs, but wake up calls, a "shoulder" to briefly lean on and a duet partner (So Much Betta). It would have worked great, if all nine of them followed this theme. Even better, she maybe could have explored the different moods and meanings derived from the word discipline as it pertained to each grouping of songs to tie it all together. Interludes as a whole - B-.

Album as a whole B (almost a B+). The throwaway songs really kept it from being a truly classic Janet album like Control or even Velvet Rope.

With that being said; my top five Janet albums of all time:
5. Velvet Rope
4. Damita Jo
3. Discipline
2. All for You/RN 1814 (tie)
1. janet.

Stripped

2008-02-21T19:19:00.002-05:00

I borrow shamelessly from Christina Aguilera's 2003 album of the same name because that's how I feel right now. It's the night before my first paycheck in well over a month. Both accounts are well past empty, I'll be fishing for quarters tomorrow morning for my cup of coffee, and for some reason I find myself on a low-social contact diet. At first not voluntary, but as it goes on, it's kind of refreshing.

Living at bare-bones, or close to them, puts a lot in perspective. What was once a "need to do" or "have to have" becomes a "nice again someday." Those that were "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'm young enough to push off" or any other procrastination justification suddenly becomes a genuine interest or source of excitement again.

At one level there are things that I've done or put in my body and mind that I am really thinking numbed me to real life experiences. When you live for the weekend or the next party or the next great fuck, you really do miss out on what happens in between. You stop making decisions; you let too much just "happen" and possibly spin out of your control. The come down starts to out weigh and last longer than the jack-up.

Cold-turkey or never again? I doubt it. But I'm not comfortable or even slightly interested in making real life a struggle for a few hours of pleasure or fun (with people that I'm more and more becoming afraid that I may not truly be in the long haul with, which is really unfortunate, because I miss them terribly, but I can't force it.) But now that I'm stripped down to a raw state I find myself enjoying more of the day to day than I have in a very long time.

Darkest Before Dawn....Isn't That the Sun Over There?

2008-02-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

So for those of you out there that have been reading this ongoing saga (and sending some really great comments and emails; and I thank-you) I felt like I couldn't keep you guys in the dark about my chugging-along reality.

Found a job. A God's-honest way of earning a living again. Once again back in the food business, but in these uncertainly uncertain economic times; recessions, The Dow Jones yo-yo (do you think he can Walk the Dog or Cat's Cradle?), tax return season and tax rebate rumors (more on that later) seeking my return to advertising was proving to be difficult at best. There's some job security in managing a branded restaurant. And its not like I'm not good at it or didn't enjoy my time at Starbucks. So not to let a poor 4-month long decision deter me, I head back to the grind on Monday (interviewed Tuesday, was offered on Wednesday, signed on Thursday - there, that was easy; and exactly 6 months to the day until my big 3-0. I oddly keep track of things like that) and it all comes...with a twist.

Back to school. The thought I never thought I would think. I hit the proverbial wall during my Senior semester in college. After spending the first months of my Senior year putting together an application to Grad School and all but receiving a physical acceptance letter in the mail, I returned from Spring Break (whoo-hoo) to find that wall, hit it hard, pull my application, and count the days til my last final. I was steadfast in saying I'd never go back....but even my stubborn mind can be shifted.

Of all people my own Mom planted the idea in my head a few weeks ago. It oddly came from left field but also felt like the next natural progression. Its time to beef up the knowledge, beef up the career base and start to fill up those days of 12-hour Buffy marathons.

Idle hands are of my own, and they can be the Devil's. I keep hearing on the news, etc. about people not having the time to do whatever. I find myself in the opposite position - having too much time...but still not accomplishing anything lately. I remember back to the days of school where a course load, a part time job and numerous "extra cirriculars" had my alotted 24 hours busting at the seams, but I was happy. Fat-ly happy on stress and interaction and having to use my brain in more ways than just "work" and "home."

So the research begins. My preference is to get my MBA from NYU, specializing in Tourism and Hospitaity. My goal is to start matriculating Fall 2008. Filling my evenings and weekends with lectures, reading, papers and practicums. I couldn't be more excited. (So if anyone has some financial aid suggestions for me - let the emails fly.)

The Golden Post

2008-01-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

Yup, post number 50. It's taken me long enough....

In flux. That's all I can really think about right now. The last post was really a tongue in cheek way to laugh at my absurd reality of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows - and how none of it really seems to "stick" longer than 24 hours. I guess I've really taken the "you can't move forward by looking back" mantra of some bad Afterschool Special or "Graduation Day" episode of Saved by the Bell (the New Class, because the originals didn't do anything but try to recreate Bayside High at whatever "college" they ended up going to...but I digress.)

Everything is in flux these days: a frustrating job hunt, ignoring US Postal Service daily deliveries to my mailbox since 99.9% of what's in there is shameful evidence of unemployment, (The other .1%? Entertainment Weekly, every Friday), any resemblance to a "routine" I mapped out here in New York (the gym? ha! grocery shopping? not on your life! running errands? always dissolves into aimless and endless iPod induced walks), and I may regret typing this later on, but as I feel now, even my friendships are in flux....(sorry, but I'll explain)

This last one I KNOW is just my unbelievably annoying Power of Projection that becomes stronger during this state of Flux (yes, it is now a proper noun - normally a place, but also a person personified by yours truly.) So back to the friendships.

I am slipping into a weird state of denied depression. Or maybe its a sad attempt at hiding the truth from myself: That my impulsive nature really put me in a pickle this time with quitting one job with NO form of income. To my defense, I really had to. I cannot and will not stay in a situation that is stressing me out into a state of inaction. Been there, fucked that for 4.5 years. So because of all this, I know I'm probably not the MOST fun person to be around these days. Don't get me wrong, I can keep up pretenses. I'm not all "woe is me, blah blah blah" but I do get quiet with people when I'm not happy. I feel like I can't contribute. And now, unemployed, with friends that are in the process of closing on condos and hiring decorators and being in a place where they are moving up (or doing the grown-up thing) I've never felt more like dead weight or "one of these things is not like the others."

I take cancelled plans as avoidance, I over-think and over-analyze every weird intonation, sideways glance or "slight" thrown at me as a way of showing me the door. Until things get better....

And the flip argument (and the more realistic one) is that people are actually more busy than I am. Five days of work causes unseen exhaustion come weekend. 14 degree weather turns everyone into agoraphobic (afraid of the outdoors). Decisions have to be made, places to run, email to write, classes to plan, investings to invest, Beeps to Bop and to Boop. And here I sit in my apartment driving myself insane on the various job search sites, sending resumes to generic "Apply Now" buttons and playing phone tag with interested companies that may end up cutting me off at the knees in terms of salary just so there is some source of income and something to pass my days.

(So I interrupt this tirade with this quick but heartfelt apology to those who stumble across my blog on occasion and may take issue or offense with the last couple of paragraphs. I'm really working through it, and trying to do so without dragging you into messy feeling that shouldn't be there in the first place.)

So I have two interviews this week and had a phone interview last Friday. There is movement. Getting the face time is all I needed. Both jobs are as good as mine. Eggs, now some of you are going to have to get out of that one basket, and I'm not counting any further until everyone is hatched. But its something, and something, whatever it is, is better than feeling like I'm being cyber-ignored or, in my worse projection, being collectively laughed at by the greater NYC job force, clearly not letting me in on what's so funny.

DAMN, I'm fucking negative tonight, huh? I wonder if Walden could blog his way into instant publication as we all do now, instead of writing in journals that he later reviewed, and edited, before putting them out there, that his solo stay in the woods by the pond would read a little more snarky and less "hug a tree."

Snarky - adj. The state of showing an external distaste for another person, action, event, place, etc. as a way to cover up some personal angst. Usually mistaken for getting up on the wrong side of the bed or that time of the month. In a sentence: I was going to ask him to come over, but I've heard about his snarky comments back to other guys on Manhunt.net who he doesn't find attractive.

Is There a 30-day Return Policy on New Years? Mine Didn't Come With an Instruction Manual

2008-01-09T09:31:00.000-05:00

So let me get this part out of the way before I dive into what I mean by today's title:

2007 closed with the earning of the (possibly sticking) nickname of Louisville Slugger (if you don't know, I'm not sure you really want to find out) and continued proof that real friends make events/parties/etc. memorable. Thanks, guys (5 of ya, and you know who...and who not), for honestly the best Alegria party I've been to. (WHAAAT!)

Which brings me to:
My 2008 did not come with an instruction manual or even a troubleshooting or FAQ booklet. It is the 9th day of the year; not even in the double digits yet, but more has been thrown into it than I can wrap my head around, both personally and out there in the pop-world.

1. Right off the bat, as in the ball barely touched ground and in the hours close following, I learned that I have the friends I need and want. Adding one outsider, even for just a get together causes me to become hypersensative to how much bs the five of us don't even get close to dealing with, and how much bs one person can display in a relatively short time span. The end result of such a combination may always end in some Dazzling Display, leaving people feebly "beep bop boop"ing in its wake. There's a reason why water isn't H30.

2. If I cry for some minute reason one more time...so always pull an impromptu slumber party so you don't have to wake up a lone the next day if you're feeling a little 'off.'

3. Tailspin, that's what I was sent into around 8:30p on the SECOND. Came home to find my apartment window forced open and my Ninetndo Wii, games, LAPTOP and Starbucks backpack (good riddance) gone. Calling the police is the absolute last thing anyone wants to do or deal with the day after a weekend of decadance; leaving it at that. Commence 4 days of NO computer access as the anxiety of finding a job quickly weighs heavier and heavier.

4. Blessed with the ability to confidently make rash decisions (for better or for worse) blessed me with two wonderful days of sleeping through DVD after DVD of Friends, guilt free. For the first time ever.

5. A previous employer (remaining nameless) is absolutely DUMB when it comes to HR and Payroll issues. Thank-you for my full paycheck and additional vacation payout for time I never had. Add this to the list of "reasons to jump ship, and fast."

6. Crying for no reason? Try taking the Christmas decorations down. They should automatically turn to dust or whatever come Epiphany.

7. Not having a computer....I may as well been churning my own butter and sending Pony Express.

8. Not having a computer....makes a $300 purchase at one of the "wholesale" stores on every corner in lower mid-town a completely logical and sound investment as long as I can connect to the Internet in the comfort of my own home.

9. Three job offers and counting. I'm now almost scared into indecision that I'll pick another dud like last time.

10. 2008 is the Year of the Boyfriend...no it's not...yes it is....no its not...yes it is.

11. Britney understandably had that meltdown that Perez Hilton has probably been taking bets on over on his blog on when it would finally happen. The world watched; two major primary elections came and went; but it was a bigger outrage that Dr. Phill once again stuck his big self-riteous nose in someone's business and passed judgement. Word to the doc: when you start to follow your own weight loss advice, then I'll believe you function in this dimension.

12. Britney - I feel for you and pray for you, honestly. Do whatever it is that you want to do and need to do to stay true to yourself. I'm sorry that our misguided media attention on your personal life continues to overshadow the good things you do and the truly awful things that continue to go on around the world. It's their issue, not yours.

13. And again to the media, so she gets a little choked up while expressing true emotion over how she no longer wants to see this country digress and/or resist change and you TEAR HER APART? You link it to her third place finish in Iowa. Guess Hilary once again gave the big finger to you yesterday after New Hampshire.

14. When you lose count of sexual playtime this early in the game, its time to re-evaluate. But it's being done with a ciggy in my mouth and a stupid satisfied grin on my face that makes me look cartoonish. And that trumps blue balls any day.

15. And the overhanging cloud to all of this: the 24/7 thinking about what my accomplishment and explorations will be this year. Focusing down to more gym time (go-go by 30) and getting out of the L train radius and finding a new vice.

I could go on and on an on, honestly. less than 200 hours have passed in this new year and I'm finding myself wishing I could delegate parts of my life out to others.

Oh and a preview of what's to come?
Interviews and salary negotiations
New Hire training
The Black Man moving in
Valentines Day (fuck it), and
a new Janet Jackson album.

Talk about March coming in like a lion (kitty swipe.) Which beggs the question, "Am I bovvered? Me? Face? On Atkins, I'll take it without the bun?, Mask?, Bovvered?"

Too Short is an Understatement

2007-12-27T12:37:00.000-05:00

They snuck up on me. Those little bastards. One day, I'm minding my own business; the next, BAM! Grey hair. Not just one, but several at my temples. Aging me from my consistant feeling of still being 15 to the out-of-left-field realization that I turn 30 next year.

My friends all say that grey hair is distinguished; my family says its better than having my hair fall out. But for someone who has always been the youngest of his adult social circles, I have mixed feelings.

I'm amazed at how those mis-colored hairs tend to shine light on the other gradual signs that I'm growing out of the important 18-34 year-old advertising demographic. The small lines at my eyes, the slight ones around my mouth, a line or two permanently in my forehead. What once was a fru-fru activity of giving myself facials, has now become a needed every-four-day regimen.

I don't feel almost-30. I still wake up to the thoughts of a 15 year old. My leisure time rivals that of most teenagers I knew when I was one and those I know now. TV, gym, iPod, Wii are all recreational ways I pass the time. They all feed the part of me that has that Peter Pan "I don't wanna wear a tie, or a serious expression in the middle of July" complex.

But then I grew out of being eligible to ever apply for an MTV show (a blessing in disguise), and watched on VH1 as they treated the decade I came of age in - the 90's as nothing more than ten years of flannel shirts, boy bands and the crash of Michael Jackson's career and reputation. MySpace "is for kids," YouTube is a waste of time, I have no idea who's on the top 40 of the Bilboard charts, what albums are coming out soon and why a T-Mobile sidekick is the must have phone -IM-internet-waste time at work-gadget everyone seems to have. And what is even weirder, I don't seem to want to care. I know what I like, what helps me manage my life, what I feel comfortable in and what I enjoy for entertainment without needing a media-princess or pop-tart mess tell me or show me what is "in." I don't have time, and none of that makes me happy, just exhausted from trying to keep up.

Which brings me to the only thing that tops my priority list. To be happy. To enjoy the time I'm awake. To feel like I'm productive and to like what earns my money.

I quit my job. Yup, that one with the smoothie company I was all excited over four months ago. First - to go from always busy 52 weeks a year to only doing a third of that same business drove me insane. It felt like jail. Second, I felt like an asshole 5 days a week selling 35 degree frozen smoothies to people out walking the windy winter streets of NYC, and felt even worse when I had to open the store before the sun came up, and then sit there for 90 minutes without a single customer.

My employees were not what I was used to, and to be frank, not a group of people I wanted to get used to. They didn't care, they just wanted more money for doing less work. I was the only forward moving person there, while everyone else "BFF"ed and "OMG"ed on their sidekicks.

My manager took for granted my years of experience through Starbucks. My ability to manage people and deliver good customer service was incorrectly equated to a perceived ability to navigate through the company's reporting, scheduling and ordering systems.

The last straw came on the day no one but me showed up to open the store on a day I am supposed to only do paperwork. I told my boss that my stuff would be late due to letting both openers go (yup, FIRED) and that I was stuck on the floor. Did he offer assistance? Did he even do his usual passive agressive managing through my peers (essentially sending in people to spy on me and report back to him.)? Nope, he just started calling again right in the middle of my rush to ask me why I'm not done yet and ended the call with "It has to be done by 2p" as I'm asking him to call someone else into my store.

So I left. I finished out the day. Tied up all the loose ends. Payed all the invoices, left what few files I was able to create in a short time (since there were none to greet me upon begining the job) in order, drafted my immediate resignation, unhooked my key from my ring, sent the email and walked away.

Freaking out? Not really. Happy I did it? Absolutely. None of it was worth it. Not the empty promises they fed me, not the extra $10k a year, and definately not the blame for things going wrong that I had been asking for help on from day one.

So, playing the total victim here, right? Yeah, I know you're rolling your eyes. But I ask, how many times have you felt even a sliver of this same frustration? Or daydreamed about what you really wanted to do with your life? Or just wanted some extra time to clear your head and make a rational and well thought through career choice? I was done playing the victim. I was done talking about it, complaining about it, crying about it, bitching about it, etc.

It all works out, it always does. I'm not going to die from a slightly pass-due bill, or immediately become an "undesireable candidate" due to a two week self imposed hiatus from the rat race. I know my strengths, my weaknesses, my interests, and what motivates me to do a better job every day. Mandatory 10 hour work days during the winter when I could give my extra hours to a deserving employee does not motivate. It makes me stew.

This is why I'll be writing in here more often. I'm rediscovering my passion for writing. Also, as I enter my third decade, I find myself wanting to document more. I hate pictures, as they tend to be more of a redundant and tedious reminder of those rolls undeveloped or those prints never placed in albums (I mean, who really needs a photo of EVERY present opened on Christmas morning, when they are all sitting under my tree at this moment?) And it really fascinates me that there are people out there scouring blogs every day looking for the next New York Times columnist or critic or copywriter (if you're one of those people - MESSAGE ME! LOL).

So I'll be bringing in 2008 actually happy for once. The pieces may not all be in place, but I feel more in control with a few missing than I did with them all in place. At least an unfinished puzzle is a work in progress. The only thing left to do to a puzzle once its done is to break it apart and start all over again.

Watch This Space

2007-12-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

I won't even start to go into all that has happened either personally, politically, pop-cultural-ly or other wise (but Jamie Lynn Spears, not only are you old enough to know better, but you must clearly be BLIND not watching your older sister's turmoil...let's wait and see if JLS has the same baby-butter-fingers gene that Brit has!)

How cliche - but January 2008, new beginings all around, including for this blog; what is this, reboot number 3? Its starting to feel like the Rambo franchise...

Stay tuned....

Take A Walk

2007-08-15T22:09:00.000-04:00

Get ready...this one's a doozy...

When was the last time you took a walk? Not to work or to any pre-set destination; but just started out on foot in) a direction and enjoyed the journey?

I finally gave myself that luxury (and, yes, I considder what I did the true meaning of luxury) this evening. For those of you that my know New York City geography my Billy-Family-Circle-Dotted-Line went from my store on the corner of W. 15th and 9th Ave due west to the path along the West Side Highway/West St. all the way down past the West Village, Tribecca, Battery Park City, Financial District. Then walked along the south harbors (where one can take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty) and started back north past the Staten Island Ferry station up to South Street Seaport, to the Brooklyn Bridge and then cut into City Hall where I finally took the train home....

Clarity - that's all I can really come up with right now. A mobile Fortress of Solitude that allowed me the luxury of thinking without pressure or in any context.

Friday marks one year in this fine city. How fucking excited am I that not only did I survive the year, but I thrived because of it. I'm now embarking on a new career of my choice with Jamba Juice, with more money and more responsibility. I am one of those FEW lucky people that can say they are.....not making their dreams come true.....how boring....but someone who is making the most of what they have and what they can chess-piece their way to.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm finally just really greatful for the knocking down of the severe wrtiter's block I ran into over the past several months. Hopefully you'll see a semi-consistant frequency of postings on here. Still not sure what direction this blog thing is going. But for now its fun marking my own time here on this planet with a way for others to see my dotted line behind me.

Now go grab your iPod and take a walk. Talk to you all soon.

Quick Update - New Job

2007-08-10T01:38:00.000-04:00

So coming from the guy that blead East African coffee and believed that he was done with ever job searching again (at the ripe old age of 24), the time has come to move on from Starbucks. I'll keep the details until I hand my two-weeks notice in on Friday, but I'm jumping over to a similar company, but nothing with coffee, that is on the cusp of some huge growth, went NASDAQ public back in November, and offered me a very generous salary bump.

More details within the week. Can you guess where I'm going?

How My TV Season Shook Out

2007-06-16T14:09:00.001-04:00

Funny how back in September I was going crazy trying to keep up on the shows (new and returning) that were flooding my TiVo night after night. Some were sacrificed, some made it through, some may not return to my TiVo lineup next fall and some should have been added the first time around.

Monday - I killed all of the sit-coms (How I Met Your Mother, Classmates). Again I stand by my opinion that the traditional sitcom no longer carries relevance in this post Will and Grace world. That was the last s'com to deliver anything of relevance in the standard three-camera format. NO MORE CANNED LAUGHTER!

Tuesday - Six Degrees was preempted after October, returned to Fridays in March (the kill-me now 9pm slot) and quickly was off again. This was the one new show that deserved a shot as it was begining to live up to its premise, albeit thirteen episodes in.
Real World/Road Rules Challenges - will always be a staple long after anyone who was actually on their original shows that I actually watched stop playing.

Wednesday - LOST started off slow, left us hanging for a LONG time, and came back with a series of episodes that made me scratch my head but still enjoy the ride up to the last mind-blowing minute of the finale. The critics need to also just enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination until 2010.
Killed Jericho, and CBS followed suit.
Killed The Nine and ABS did so the next day

Thursday - Survivor: Fiji WORST SEASON EVER. Stop with the hidden Immunity Idols, stop with Exile Island, stop with the tropical locales, stop mixing tribes three or four times throughout and stop allowing three to get to the Final Council. Maybe China will put it back on track....but I may be watching
Ugly Betty instead (as I should have this past season.)

Friday - (not a TV night)

Saturday - (not a TV night)

Sunday - Desperate Housewives - A+, once again.

Just Because You Yell Doesn't Make It a Hot Topic

2007-06-16T13:50:00.000-04:00

A certain two-word title for a day-time estrogen chat fest caused more CNN stories, celebrity feuds and gave a mostly female audiance a place to feel like their political views, no matter what side, and no matter HOW redundantly day after day. THE VIEW.

In a country still full of "red states," gay-marriage bans, adoption bans and taxation on same-sex partner benefits, I still find it mildly ironic that Rosie O'Donnell, Lesbian Second In Charge (to Ellen, she who opens the door first gets the true crown) And Most Vocal, found not only acceptance, but GREW the audience for the already long-in-the-tooth show. Kelly Rippa, Asians, Elisabeth Hasselback, Donald Trump, Paula Abdul, American Idol, and most of the conservative Christian-right felt her on air wrath every week day for nine months. And then quickly exited due to a minor but firey (and understood) on-air argument with Fourth-Place-In-The-Outback.

Rosie turned down a longer contract term for less money (for a wide variety of rumors.) to end her run in June - but decided to leave earlier due to probably forseen fall out from the split screen.....off to yell on another soap box until challenged again....

The Daytime Emmy's were last night. Joy Behar said it best, "we will never win because there is always at least one of us to hate." And this held true again last night. In the hands of Ellen went Best Talk Show and Best Talk Show Host. Why? For being original and FRESH every day. Where The View went wrong this year is that for some reason they don't have enough interesting topics to talk about a different one every day. Iraq War Iraq War Impeach Bush Impeach Bush Showtunes Showtunes Confetti....I share Rosie and Joy's political views, but found their arguments becoming tiresome and indistinguishable from Hot Topics of previous weeks.

Whoppi - PLEASE take over for season eleven. 'Nuff said.

The Long and Winding Road Back to Bloggerville

2007-06-14T20:25:00.001-04:00

So let's just recap what's gone on in the world of pop-culture since I took hiatus (in no particular order)

Paris went back to jail
Paris was let out of jail
Paris was sentenced to jail
Lohan played with knives
Brit got extensions (now that her hair's long enough - MY RUMOR TO START: She plays NYC Gay Pride this year, COME BACK GIRL, COME BACK!)
I found solace in Miss Cleo
I ballooned back up to a healthy beefy 220#
Red hanky to the right (let's see how many of you get that one)
Janet finished a movie
Janet stopped tour production
Janet changed labels to Interscope
Janet started a new album again (maybe third time's a charm)
Madonna's working with JT and Timberland (talk about changing directions)
Rosie left The View
Someone won the most boring season of Survivor yet
LOST flashed forward
Edie Brit hung herself

Oh and the list could go on and on and on (especially with me)

I feel ready to contribute now, especially with a digital camera now in tow...look for pictures from the 'bucks float for Pride (and subsequent pictures of Alegria before and after...) but for now here's the tattoo pic I've promised for over a year now: (and now that I'm itchin for a new one...)

Howard Schultz Got Me Back in the Gym

2007-03-08T11:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not lying....he really did. Indirectly of course, but talk about motivation and release of stress.

So the last two months were rocky. Winter set in here in NYC and it was cold, frigid, frio, icy, slushy, gray, and full of post-Holiday fall-out at work. I'll leave it at that.

Fast-forward to the past week. EVERYTHING has turned a corner for the better, from me adapting to personal change, socializing, eating right, maximizing on my deliverables at work, etc. The only thing missing was me in the gym.

I now know why people can't get out of the "can't go" cycle (or the "I'll go tomorrow" cycle) especially when its dark, too cold, nasty etc outside. Why bother when today's The View is on and Heroes is REALLY getting good and Lost is finally back?

So yesterday, I'm in my store, not on the clock, in plain clothes talking with a friend and I get a tap on the shoulder: "Excuse me, are you Matt?" First thinking it was just an everyday customer, I turned to shake hands and was met with "Hi, I'm Howard." one....two.....three.....four....five.....and then it hit me HOWARD SCHULTZ, MR STARBUCKS HIMSELF IS IN MY STORE!!!! Talk about a flood of emotions (surprise, delight, horror, speechlessness etc etc) flooded through me as he continued to introduce me to Ken Lombard, President of Starbucks Entertainment and another gentleman whose name (I'm so sorry) I didn't catch because the roaring in my ears from nervousness set in.

It was a good visit, they pointed out a few things I could do to elevate the environment of the store (minor like a spill, and signage) but gave me some AWESOME feed back about the great environment my partners were creating in the store. The compliment came at the exact right time in my career....and my gym absenteism.

After he left, and I freaked out in the back room for a minute, I packed up my stuff and headed home with more energy (of the nervous variety) than I ever had experienced.

Off to the gym with me to calm down....and I went back this morning....thanks Howard!

One Year Past

2006-12-30T05:07:00.000-05:00

So I've blogged for a year. Original intent being to comment on Pop Culture, which I live and breath, and the reality being that blogging turned out to be a great form of therapy for me. I never really intended people to read it, and definately without any sense of consitancy, but the positive feedback I've received over the past year has been endearing.

What a YEAR 2006 was. Let me just say that I'm now a firm believer that if you ring in the New Year in a flashy, drama-filled or over-the-top way, that's how your year will turn out. I spent 2005-2006 in typical gay-DC form (night at the now-closed Nation night club) but dealt with a boyfriend that I was realizing I didn't want, and an odd argument among friends that I steered clear from. And where did this year take me? Through a break up (that was good then went horribly wrong), opening a new Starbucks location, taking a leap and moving to NYC, slight depression, a few illegal activities that will go unmentioned, and more adding and subtracting of friends than one does during high-school and college graduations combined.

I learned to never stop being myself, and not to let anyone else overshadow me. I am not responsible for anyone except myself, and of other people that are in my life, their actions or words do NOT reflect back on me. I learned I can't change anyone except myself. I learned what co-dependant means.

I learned I can survive on my own, and that I should have never expected it to be smooth sailing from the start. I learned that sometimes acquaintences in life will turn out to be your closest friends and that those who were once close friends should have been kept at an arms distance.

I now know to NEVER see a concert being put on by the Today Show, to never do laundry again as long as they pick up and deliver and to never waste a day in New York City wasting away in my apartment.

I learned that older doesn't mean smarter or even better at taking care of themselves. I learned that addicts will lie the same lies and mistake the same mistakes as long as someone else is there to fix it.

The purpose of family changed for me this year as well. My blood family still lives in the DC area and I do miss them from time to time, but going home for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays I realized how hard they try to keep things the same, and how their seams have started to show because of it.

My definition of best friend changed this year. It's not the person or persons that you've known the longest, or even experience some awesome or terrible event with. Best Friends are those that play Devil's Advocate and that you forgive before they even say "sorry" for anything. They are people who you stay up until unGodly times Sunday nights/Monday mornings righting the wrongs of the world, but also knowing that there's nothing really wrong with our world, because we're in control of it. They listen to you bitch and moan about your ex for the billionth time, and play right along with it because they know it's helping you release anger. And best friends are those you can "Heather" with until the proverbial cows come home, and never think twice about the words escaping the group. J and A, I thank-you more than I'll ever be able to show.

I was thrown back into gay single life again, and this time in a bigger pond. The rules haven't changed, but they are still hard to play by. I've caught myself believing that the club/nightlife world is all there is, and then snapping myself back to reality real quick. Yes, it really is just about the music, and I get through nights out a lot easier now knowing that.

So, I'll keep blogging. One, its fun to put my two-cents out there. Two, it keeps me writing. And Three, it was nice to read through a year's worth of thoughts kept somewhere besides a girly diary or journal notebook that I always stopped soon after cramping hands that don't write for very long.

Happy New Year.
Matty

Christmas Time in Gotham

2006-12-15T23:16:00.000-05:00

I have to say that it lives up to the hype. Probably the first thing in my life to truly do so.

Christmas in Manhattan is the grown up version of experiencing "Disney Magic." It has to be experienced.

This holiday season I haven't quite caught the craze like I've usually done with less than two weeks to go til Christmas. Coping with change sometimes takes priority.

My tree and decorations are up. Some gifts are bought, but not wrapped. But the usual "Christmas" feel has been missing from my usual routine. Except for one day.....

I finally kicked my self out of my own apartment to go shop for a Secret Santa gift for a colleague at work. Typically I'll schlep up and down 8th Ave. in Chelsea looking for some ok gift. But this time I knew what I wanted to get for the present, and then made it a point to hike it up to my first destination of the evening. The Apple Store on 5th Ave.

For this first stop, there really wasn't too much "Christmas" to be felt, except for the red t-shirts and iPod Nanos abound. I hadn't even seen that many lights or decorations walking along Central Park South to get to the store.

Then I left with my purchase, took a left out of the store and saw IT. And boy I mean IT. 5th Avenue must be the world's #1 luxury shopping destination. And when those shops do the Holidays, they pull no punches.

From the WAY larger than life ring box at Cartier that opened and played "Carol of the Bells," to the decorated windows of Tiffany, Guess, Gap, Disney, Abercrombie and Fitch, Bvlgora, etc etc, and then to the HUGE snowflakes gracing the front of the flagship Saks that blinked to a handful of holiday songs....I finally started to feel what I had been waiting to feel. I didn't mind the crowds, or the fact that, except for the one purchase already done, I wasn't spending any money that evening.

I rounded a corner and found the icon centerpiece to it all. The tree at Rockerfeller Center. Beautiful multicolored lights and a star on top made of Swvarski (sp?) crystals. It was like seeing Fiction become Fact. That tree was actually physically in front of me; not on TV or in a picture in the paper or on the Net. I had to call my Mom....LOL

So the feeling is finally here, with nine days to spare and 9 presents still to buy. I'm already looking forward to next year.....

Being Selfish for My Own Well Being

2006-11-09T23:07:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago my ex dropped me an email to say that he wanted to see how I was doing...which was the passive-aggressive opening to an email that illustrated his naive ability to manipulate other people.

He continued on to boast how well he's doing in Real Estate school, how much he's enjoying working part-time for MY COMPANY THAT I'VE BEEN WITH FOR FOUR YEARS and to ask for a $600 security deposit he put down on the apartment we had in DC, even though he cost me in excess of $3000 for bounced or unpaid rent checks; the only expence he was responsible for in the three years we were there.

Then at the end was a short paragraph, asking me to get in touch with his eleven year-old daughter because I "shouldn't take out on her the fact that we're not together anymore, regardless of you wanting to be in contact with me or not."

Um, last time I checked I didn't give birth to her, I didn't contribute the sperm, I didn't adopt her, or mire myself in a custody battle over her. I was her daddy's boyfriend, and now I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I love her with every ounce of my heart that I can, but I refuse to be made to feel responsible for any feelings, good or bad, she may have towards the fact that he and I aren't together anymore.

So I wrote him back and said just that. I also said that what pain I have left and have not worked through I am too tired to deal with right now. But if I was to keep up contact with his daughter, that pain would resurface everytime I sent or received an email from her. That's not fair to her at all. Selfish? Maybe. Self-serving? Absolutely. But it's not to be malicious; its me dealing with my pain the best way I know how.

I don't need my ex having an indirect tie to me through his daughter. He has no business in my life for the simple fact that there is no relationship between us any longer. I don't want him to, in any way, be able to keep any tabs on me. The questions he asked in the email were those types of questions, asked in order for him to keep tabs and compare my readjustment to being single to his.

I did write back, a rather lengthy email, just now, two weeks after his to me. I laid a lot out for him; about my thought process about myself and how I interact with the world now that I have left a failing and destructive relationship. I don't blame him for any of those feelings or the depression I felt from time to time. They are my feelings; my derivatives of my side of my experiences. I played into his "tabs" a little. He now possesses no more information on my career than if he were to go through the proper channels in the company we both work for (ARGH!). But by me sending it to him, he now feels like he has the leg up...oh the irony.

I'm sorry if this post is dissolving into "bitter, party of one." But he caused me to choose to have so much pain in my life for the past few years. He does not deserve to take part in my renaissance. That would be like Osama Bin Ladin putting up the money to rebuild the World Trade Towers.

So I'm being selfish, at least from what his point of view is. But for the first time I'm going to say with earnest that I now know that there are definately times in life that one HAS to be selfish. Me being selfish is me dealing with my flaws. The irony is that I've finally become unselfish with my true feelings towards myself and those around me. Life is too short to play nice, be passive aggressive, or let bygones be bygones because we try to avoid all conflict all of the time.

Related, and indirectly related: REAL friends are those you can apologize to without thinking twice. REAL friends are those you've already forgiven well before they apologize to you.

"Red States Are Gonna Clear Up"

2006-11-08T07:37:00.000-05:00

So months ago I went on a small tyrade about politics and how the American people never let the pendulum swing too far one direction or another. Well, my theory proved to be true again last night.

I woke up this morning to turn on the Today Show (Meredith V. - LOVE HER!) to hear what I believe most of the American people wanted...no...needed to hear. Democrats have taken the House, the Senate and most of the Governor races across the country.

The race in my homestate, Virginia, they are saying is too close to really call, but the Democrat candidate, Webb, is ahead on votes there as well.

The races in my new homestate, New York, swung all the way back to the Left with Democrats taking every seat they ran for.

Hillary Clinton in 2008? Maybe not this time around, but we could see her take a front driver's seat position in the Senate now that her (our) party has become a force again.

But what does this all mean from an American population standpoint. Sure, more voters turned out this year than past mid-term elections, but the last major midpoint election was during Clinton's administration in 1994. So I don't believe there are more Republicans than Democrats or vice versa.

What I do believe (and my faith has been put back in) the fact that the voting public can think for themselves and are not bound by political lines. The majority of the American public vote for and need stability during times when we feel that we need security in our own lives, and then vote for and need change when it is actually appropriate.

The conflict in Iraq (I refuse to call it a war at this point) was still too new and too uncertain back in 2004. The American people, still three years later, were reeling from the Sept. 11 attacks. I don't believe we are anymore. I live in the most affected city. I don't feel fear; I feel empowerment; I feel American.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. There is such a thing of too much of a [good] thing. And the American people recognized this.

Another sign that the world demands balance.....Britany Spears filed for divorce yesterday from K-Fed. Thank The Lord.

And for the Rest of the TV Schedule

2006-10-08T06:53:00.000-04:00

Tuesdays 8pm - Veronica Mars (CW) - Thumb in the mouth. The CW ordered only 13 episodes of this critical darling/ratings disaster with the obvious message: "Retain the Gilmore Girls audience and you get a full order. To be honest, I wish I had started watching this show in its first year; but eventhough this season they are doing more "contained" episodes, it still feels like you need some sort of refresher (think Alias, Season 5). Kristen Ball, by far, has to be one of the best young actresses on TV today. Get her a show that is going to SWIM!

Wednesdays 9pm - LOST (ABC) - Thumb in the air, WAY UP! This was the premiere I was really waiting for, and like last year's premiere, it started with a scene I could have never dreamed up - and quickly tied it into the deep show mythology without cluttering it. One thing this show has over any other serialized drama is that it never tries to fit all of the main characters in. Wednesday night was about only Jack, Sawyer and Kate. This is an example of a show who has writers that believe in the strength of the story they have to tell. I will ask for a few more "bigger picture" answers by May this time around.

Wednesdays 10pm - The Nine (ABC) - Thumb in the mouth. There are a LOT of LOST wannabees out there. The acting is good, the plotline both believable and interesting enough. However, can they really engage the viewer in the mystery of "what happend in there" through a full season of episodes and beyond? The show is based in reality, plus the robbery happened over 52 hours, so one can only think of so many things that could have really happend in such a short period of time....unless they jump the shark.

Overall this season is intriguing. There are some GREAT new shows and great starts to returning shows. My final say? I'll be glued to Desperate Housewives, Studio 60, Heroes, Jericho (its gotten really good over the past three weeks), LOST and Nip/Tuck. I'll also be hitting the guilty pleasure button hard over on MTV for this season's The Challenge. OOOOOOHHHH Tina's going to hit Beth! Stay tuned.

Interim Review of the TV Season

2006-09-30T06:16:00.000-04:00

So here's what's graced my TiVo over the past week.

Sundays, 9pm - Desperate Housewives (ABC) - Thumb in the air. Not to sound like all of the entertainment rags out there, but the show has returned to form after a not-quite-satisfying second season. The "mystery" involves people we care about. Gabby is back to vicious form (You've been in this country for a year, modify your nouns damn it.) Susan is less clumsy and really sweet. Bree is neurotic as ever. And Lynette (I smell another Emmy) is trying to control her out of control life.

Sundays, 10pm - Brothers and Sisters (ABC) - Thumb in the ass. And it was stopped half way through recording the pilot episode and promptly taken off the TiVo schedule. Word to the wise. Before you introduce the extended family - introduce the family first. Characters started going off and sleeping with each other or kissing on the lips. All of the sudden I thought the soapy part about this drama was that there was some serious incest going on. No character development, no reason to care, no ticks or quirks for any character to give them some form of identity. Think thirtysomething for the PAX crowd.

Mondays, 9pm - Heroes (NBC) - Thumb in the air. Half X-Men, half Six Degrees, but in a good and not treading-on-copywright-infringement way. This is the type of out on a limb programming that we need again. And nice twist with the flying politician in the end. Give this one a chance guys. Looks like we're in for a great story line (that trumps Jericho and keeps the fear firmly in the fantasy, where it needs to stay for now - BRING OUR TROOPS HOME!)

Thursdays, 8pm - Survivor: Cook Islands (CBS) - I know I already reviewed it, but three weeks in and the segregation is over (I guess Rosa Parks was playing the game too.) Placed into two, large, integrated tribes consisting of men and women....now let the games begin! I will say that Mark Burnett doesn't trust his own ideas. They float for a couple of weeks and then he changes them up for change's sake. I would have loved to see one of the segregated tribes go down to two or one before integrating them. Twists on rules are only ratings stunts if they don't last.

Review of the New TV Season So Far

2006-09-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

So - a TON of new stuff on TV this Fall. A lot of it actually good, some not so good, some that shouldn't have been ever scripted, and some returning shows that have either improved or are on borrowed time.

My TiVo is working overtime after a summer slump of NO good summer programming except for Big Brother 7. So I'll break down each day for you, for what has premiered or started their new seasons so far. I'll give you a thumbs up in the air for good, thumbs in the mouth for "biting my nails to see if it should survive" and thumbs up the ass for "I'd rather have my thumb up my ass than see or hear of this show ever again.

Sundays - 8pm The Amazing Race (CBS) - Thumb in the Mouth
It's the 10th season for the reality show that shouldn't have (made it this long due to lackluster ratings.) After a dismal family edition that I skipped and the following season that I didn't see due to some interesting counter programing somewhere else, I've decided to give this one another chance. The bad? Do NOT ever have a 90 minute premiere again. Too long and boring. Also, don't eliminate a team at a stopping point and not call it a Pit Stop. Clearly the race didn't start again until the next morning, why cut someone this early - and then cut another team at the actual first Pit Stop. Hopefully this decision will come clear later on in the race. The Good? VERY DIVERSE CASTING - Muslims that will stop to pray along the race route? That's real. Young Indian couple strengthening their bond before having kids? GREAT reason to go on the race. A dating couple where the woman is missing her leg, and the man is also her doctor AND they do triathalons? Talk about giving me reason to get my ass out of bed. I litterally cried when she scaled the Great Wall of China by her self. Thank-you for putting in average looking "rednecks" from a red state, but couldn't you have left out the UBER-stereotypical gay couple? Poor Poor Casting.

Monday - 8pm The Class/How I Met Your Mother (CBS) - Two thumbs in the ass. THERE IS NO ROOM IN THE LAND OF LOST, NIP/TUCK, ETC ETC FOR COOKIE CUTTER SIT-COMS. They should all be banished to a pay cable channel so that only those who care to tune in and tune out can. Sit-coms died last year with Will and Grace.

10pm - Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - Thumbs WAY UP IN THE AIR. Probably the best pilot I've EVER seen. Sharp and on point writing that rivals Buffy and Angel. A cast of some really large number that doesn't seem that large due to a general interest in their piece of the production. An inspired opening scene. The return of Matthew Perry (one bad note - his first scene of the show channeled Chandler Bing a little too much) and the best line ever delivered on TV - by Amanda Peet's character - "I made the NASDAQ dip just by showing up to work the next morning." but said in such a disarming way - BRILLIANT. WATCH THIS SHOW.

Tuesday - 10pm - Smith (CBS) - Thumb in the ass. If CBS wanted an 'Alias' type show, why didn't they just buy the rights to it from ABC when they cancelled it last year. Two birds, one stone. We would have gotten at least one more season to hash out the hurried plot lines of 'Alias' last six episodes (plus possibly more Amy Acker!) AND we now wouldn't be forced to flip past Smith, which is on now. Like a bad Doppleganger to Alias. Why in the world are we rooting for the bad guy? One of the main characters shot a guy in the head and another in a back on a deserted beach, from the woods, from behind, like a coward. Amy Smart's character just needs to be slapped, and I feel NO remorse for the lead. If you want out. STOP. It's already starting to read like early 'Alias' when Sydney wanted to get out of the CIA/SD6. Please, be original.

11pm (immediate replay) - Nip/Tuck (FX) - Two tumbs up in the air after being in the mouth. Yes, it has returned to form after The Carver story line of last year. While that plot had its moments, it seemed to drive the characters away from each other than keeping them interacting within themselves. The Soap factor is up, the topics are juicy again (Why does Dr. MacNamara oppose giving Dr. Troy lipo, saying he's being superficial, when he's being superficial over his new baby's birth defect BEFORE he's born?) Plus they are finally giving Liz a real story line with both Michelle, the new owner of the practice, and a future guest stint as a possible girlfriend for her by Alanis Morisette. Possible stunt casting aside, thank-you to this show for writing all types of relationships into a script without white washing them. So what am I waiting for? Kimber's fall from Scientology grace. This show will now be watched at 10 instead of waiting for the 11pm replay. Smith is GONE.

Wednesday - 8pm - Jericho (CBS) - Thumb in the mouth. Creepy pilot, good suspense, pretty cool (but also disturbing premise). But I'm thinking the fall-out of the last standing town in America after Nuclear Attack would play better as a TV movie or mini series instead of over 22 episodes (possibly more if they get picked up for season 2 - but then what?) Think Lost with bombs and no hatch....but why do I think Lost can't be copied?

Thursday - 8pm - Survivor: Cook Islands - Thumb in the mouth. Already better in the player and action department than Guatemala and Exile Island. The racial divide of tribes is actually INTERESTING and puts a good spin on the game. Don't listen to the people boycotting - they haven't even seen the show. However, I will say I hope this year is a straight game of Survivor (with rules that are VERY similar to if not exactly the same as Season 1.) This is the only time the game is interesting, when its at bare bones. Who cares how many times the tribes are mixed up, or change camps, or send someone to Exile Island (another dumb idea). It's Outwit, Outplay, Outlast, not Get Caught In the Confusion of Which Buff to Wear."

10pm - Six Degrees - Thumb way up in the air. Maybe its because I just moved to New York, so the premise of strangers finding purpose and connection in other strangers in NYC hits very close to home. But the writing is good, the characters are realistically flawed, the mystery behind each person is layered well into the story, but not so much (like Lost) where they run the risk of seeming redundant or running in circles. Plus, bringing Erika Christinansen to the small screen is genius. GIVE THIS SHOW THE CHANCE IT DESERVES TO PLAY OUT A FULL SEASON IF NOT LONGER.

Fridays - 10pm - Law and Order (NBC) - Thumb in the air. Now in its thirty fifth season (or what seams like it) they have shaken things up a little and replaced the old male detective with a FEMALE! She's a rookie and she's still the smartass of the duo. But not because of experience, but because of her naivite (sp?). Maybe this will bring about more cases that are (realistically) lost or thrown out due to being so passionate about convicting, that mistakes are made (always the better episodes.) I will say that the season opener.....BAD Britney/K-Fed parody. This show is too smart to stoop that low in order to come up with a case for the episode. Original cases are always better (like Linda Carter's stint as a hussling mom over all three L&O shows. PERFECTION.)

Part two will come after the first week in October when Heroes, Lost, Veronica Mars, Desperate Housewives and Brothers/Sisters all begin their runs. I'm pulling for Veronica this year, it deserves a real chance on the CW, and for Heroes, even though its an X-Men concept, the characters seem a little deeper than comic book drawings.

As for those continue-runs that need to go?

The Simpsons, Family Guy (so disjointed, even for FOX), American Dad, The War at Home (all FOX shows, who WATCHES this stuff?)

Extreme Makeover Home Edition - the cry fest that makes you mad that you don't have a disability.

Deal or no Deal - ONE night a week or the curse of Millionaire will be bestowed on thee.

7th Heaven - cancelled then brought back. WHAT THE FUCK. And we couldn't keep Angel on the air for a sixth season?

Prison Break - they're out, end of story.

The Bachelor - just bad and further support for why straight people shouldn't get married.

Any CSI except for the original.

Wife Swap - and they say that GAY people will destroy the meaning and sanctity of marriage?

The OC - five numbers for you 90210, but worse.

Gilmore Girls, please go down after this season.

One Tree Hill - worse than The OC, so does that make it the third level of Hell?

The Biggest Loser - Celebrity Fit Club does it better with people you actually care or cared about at one time.

Smallville - was supposed to be done after season 4, now on season 6, they are having to break all of the rules they originally set out for the show (no flying, no Lois, no superhero crossovers) and are treading on the thin line of rewriting the mythos of Superman, not good.

ER - no original cast members left. Doesn't this make it a new show?

And final prediction? The CW does NOT combine the ratings from the old WB and UPN. Each show still scrapes the bottom 20 and all of the shows are canceled, save Americas Next Top Model (moved to VH1), Everyone Hates Chris (off to CBS or FOX), Supernatural (given to NBC) and Friday Night Smackdown! (sold to Spike TV, USA or one if its more appropriate homes, Bravo or Logo. Muscle men in tights pinning each other and caught in a web of soapy plot lines that would make Melrose Place explode again in embarassment? COME ON! I think pro-wrestling is how us gay people are going to finally infiltrate the minds of rednecks.)

Shocking Relevation

2006-09-05T07:59:00.000-04:00

Throughout life we create goals for ourselves to set direction and to help us feel a sense of accomplishment, order, organization, etc. etc. etc. Concurrently, we carry out actions that either support the accomplishment of those goals, act completely independent from acheiving any of our goal, or are completely detrimental or contrary to sometimes even making movement in a forward direction. Not to say the latter actions are bad, evil, illegal, immoral etc. (although they can be), but when one finds that they are consistantly carrying out actions in the last group, you have to make a choice.

Which is a priority for me (at this time)? Happiness through finishing a plan that may take any unknown measure of time to complete, or happiness through instant gratification (and indirectly, procrastination or erosion of goals.)

Choice 1? Throw the actions out of your life that are causing the conflict. Yes, make a CHANGE (the longest "four letter word" ever.) Break the confort zone, run against the pack, be a salmon, set a trend, etc etc etc. Those around you may nay say you and make you feel like you can leave somethings in place "just in case." But why leave the window open on a rainy day because the sun will be out tomorrow?

Choice 2? Redefine your goals. Plain and simple. Throw out any feelings of "settling" or "underacheiving" or "failure" and realize that you may need to stay in a comfort zone a little longer before pushing forward. This has to happen if you go this direction for a very important reason that I experienced within the last 24 hours.

Throughout the day I found myself complaining, almost WHINING, about the fact that I'm not making progress on certain goals and crudely damning people around me that had obviously achieved what I wanted to also achieve. At the same time I was doing this, I was also doing things that did not support any chance of achieving those goals; in fact alot of what I did made me feel like I was going backwards, or even worse, in circles.

This is what happens to us (as I generalize) when goals and actions don't sync. Many refer to it as a "downward spiral" or "standing still."

For those of you out there who read this on a quasi-semi-regular basis, you will get all of the gory details very soon. But I'm walking away from today's entry on here feeling like I need a really big metaphysical trash can to start making the changes I want to make.

Stay tuned.

PS - No, this was not my "OH SHIT" moment.

Gladly Lacking the "Oh Shit' Moment

2006-09-03T09:28:00.000-04:00

Two weeks and three days have past since my transplant from DC to NYC, and I'm starting to let go of that nagging "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. Or what a lot of people refer to as the "OH SHIT" moment. You know the moment; just after a major change in your life and you think to yourself "What have I done? How do I recover from this? I just made a HUGE mistake."

Nope, none of that. The last time I moved from the DC area I had that moment within three days, and from that point forward I fought and fought my way back to my hometown. And that fight took exactly a year to win.

Everything here in NYC, however, feels so natural and like I really made the right decision to see what I'm made of living out on my own. Yeah, there are the moments of "where the hell am I?" coming out of a subway station. But other than that I'm settled. All of the boxes are unpacked, things put away, and this apartment is now home.

My one piece of advice to anyone out there looking to uproot themselves: don't do it in a "violent" fashion. Quitting your job, breaking a lease, haphazardly packing boxes and throwing them into a Uhaul, signing a lease on the first place you see because you have a Uhaul full of stuff that just got a ticket for double parking. That is, in my opinion, how you set yourself up to fail - or to have at least one big, if not many "OH SHIT" moments. I've learned that if a change is truly meant to happen in life, all of the pieces will fall into place, which leaves saying good bye to friends and family the most difficult part of the whole experience.

Sense of Accomplishment

2006-08-18T23:33:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done something in your life that you had been trying to accomplish for a long time? Since starting with a new company; since graduating from college, or high school; since talking to your guidance counselor in junior high for the first time; writing a report at the age of ten on what you wanted to be when you wanted to grow up; or telling your parents where you wanted to live at the ripe old age of five?

I am sitting on a train on my way to accomplishing the very last thing on the previous list. One of my earliest memories is being four or five and telling my mom that I wanted to live in New York City. I don’t know how, at that young age, I knew about NYC or what was in that city for me to want to live there. I believe the only exposure I had to New York was the fact that Sesame Street was supposedly set there. So maybe it’s a life long dream of meeting Big Bird.

Either way, that’s what I’m doing. And for the first time in my life I truly feel like I worked hard at achieving a goal; a dream. Promotions and career shifts and graduations to me always felt like the obvious next step. I never feel like I was completing something, but more like I was becoming bored and complacent and just moved on.

I have a job, a place to live, money coming in, the best group of friends I could ever ask for and then some. I’m really lucky and truly blessed. And its such a good feeling that I hope that everyone who reads this one day, if they haven’t already, gets to this point in their lives.

Just An Update

2006-08-16T21:20:00.000-04:00

24 hours and counting. Boxes are packed. Movers arrive at noon. Train is at 4. New York, here I come.

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-08-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

28

So much better than 27.

Hands down.

More later.

Oh, So THIS Is What Anxious REALLYFeels Like

2006-07-26T19:07:00.000-04:00

I move in 22 days. Not down the hall. Not across the street. Not in with a new boyfriend (it will be a LONG time before you read about me doing that). But across numerous state lines, by myself and just my stuff into my very own pre-war one-bedroom (thankfully) rent controlled apartment in NYC.....(insert various signs of freaking out here.)

When I started talking about doing it and researching the possibilities it seemed like a pipe dream. When I put money down on the apartment, it still felt like I had the whole summer to worry about it. You know what freaked me out? Trying to find a damn moving company.

I haven't moved in three years (a record for someone who jumped from residence to residence an average of 1.3 times a year since starting college.) Three years equals a ton of CRAP collected over the years. And now I have to figure out where that crap is, what exactly the crap is vs. the stuff I actually need or want to keep, seperate my crap from my ex's crap. Thow the crap out or pack it up in boxes, then have strangers drive it away and hopefully unload it unmarked in my new place.

This is such a foreign concept to me I can't begin to explain it. I've always moved myself. Rented a Uhaul or whatever, threw stuff in the back and then cursed to the high heavens that I hated moving and hated carrying furniture. There is something about the never-ending trips outside/inside/upstairs/downstairs that always makes me feel like I'm stuck in a loop.

And I don't even want to start thinking about doing three years of deep cleaning on this place to salvage some small percent of my security deposit. There are patches of floor and spans of floor boards that haven't seen the light of day since September 2003.

Past August 17 life looks good. There isn't anything about what happens after that last box is unloaded on the floor of my new place that scares me. Its getting myself to that point that freaks me out. It's the final hurdle to get over before the next phase in my life starts. Guess its time to stop typing and start climbing...anyone have any packing tape?

Answers to Your Starbucks Questions and Then Some

2006-07-14T13:38:00.000-04:00

In honor of my three-year anniversary with the Coffee Company of all Coffee Companies, I thought I would compile a list of tidbits your own Starbucks baristas would like to share with you, but are afraid to in the face of delivering awesome customer service. WARNING: None of these are here to offend or to poke fun, just to bring light to some burning questions and statements that are rarely said between caffine junkies and the people that deal it out to them :) (God, I hope I don't lose my job over THIS one.)

1) Whipped cream is bad. Very bad. It really adds nothing to your hot drink except a melted goo of transfat at the bottom of the cup when you're done with your mocha.

2) Skim milk has more carbs than whole milk.

3) The 'mild' coffee has more caffine than the 'bold' coffee. Not much, but just enough.

4) No, we do not make any of the food products we sell in any of the stores. So, no, we cannot customize that tuna sandwich for you.

5) Please pay attention to the return policy posted at each register. Just because you can scream louder than I'm allowed to doesn't mean that I will be able to magically give you back more than $25 in cash, no matter how large the purchase and despite the fact that you have your receipt.

6) If we no longer carry it, we can no longer exchange it or take it back. The tumbler you bought during the Holidays of '98 doesn't work due to normal wear and tear. Buy a new one.

7) If it is no longer on the menu, we are probably out of the Gingerbread/Cinamon Dolce/Toffee Nut etc etc syrup. If one Starbucks is still able to serve it, please don't give the other store a hard time about it. Chances are you need to check the expiration date on the bottle.

8) Conversely, please don't ask for Gingerbread Lattes/Eggnog Lattes before we say we have them. Yes, some stores may have the product, but what's so special about something you can get at anytime you want? If you ask before Nov. 1 and you receive, I'm telling your kids there's no Santa Claus.

9) Venti means 20 in Italian. There are 20 ounces in our Venti sized drinks. Its not that much of a mystery.

10) I will not steam milk past 180 degrees. It tastes, smells and sounds like crap. You run the risk of getting sick, so stop trying to be cute and order a drink at 190. You'll probably end up returning it.

11) Please don't take empty milk containers from the condiment bar to the person making drinks. He can't leave his spot because of the 20 other drinks that need to be made. Ask someone at the cash registers.

12) Our products are a luxury item, not a necessity. Do not come in day after day complaining about dropping $5 for a mocha. I have no sympathy for you. I will, however, give you your mocha with a smile and a 'thank-you' and ask how your kids are doing at swim lessons and remind you that I'll see you tomorrow.

13) You pay a decent price for a few reasons. We believe that all of our partners are entitled to benefits. Benefits cost money. All of the coffee beans sold in all of our stores are hand picked, not shaken down by a machine. All of our drinks are hand crafted at the time you order them. It's not McDonalds. We don't line up tall lattes in a warming window to toss out at you with your change.

14) If you waited behind someone in line to place your order, chances are you need to stay behind them to get your drink as well.

15) We use machines to help us produce our products, and sometimes they stop working. Its a fact of life. We always try our hardest to get them working as quickly as humanly possible. Yelling at us because you have a caffine headache does nothing but cause us to laugh at you after you leave.

16) Get off your cell phone if you want your order filled correctly. This includes all types of hands-free and wireless headsets. It's rude and there is nothing that could be possibly going on at that very moment that is more important than you getting your coffee, or you really shouldn't be in line. Finish your conversation then get in line. Even worse, don't pull out your phone and dial while you're walking in. That's just pretention in its worst form.

And last but not least....

17) I like my job, a lot. I like seeing you every day. I like making your drinks and sharing my knowledge with you. But we all have good days and bad days. Please keep in mind that everyone with a green apron on is a human being just like you, with feelings and personal lives and busy schedules. It's not brain surgery...its just coffee (and damn good coffee at that.)

Celebrating a Sin (?)

2006-06-25T10:35:00.000-04:00

The seven deadly sins, some say, encompas human acts that could send them diretly to Hell (or Purgatory or cause them to be reincarnated as a house fly). Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, Greed, Lust, Vengence; and the one which I shamelessly celebrate this weekend, Pride.

The irony here being that people have to be proud. Proud of who they are and what they do, or they can be devoured by their own self-loathing. Being a Proud member of a sexual minority group in today's society means embracing all aspects of your life as parts of a greater whole. I wouldn't really be Matt Scott if I denied my homosexuality. I'm not really Matt Scott when I censor or hide my attraction to men. Isn't that a bigger sin? Lying?

I'm spending this weekend at the Pride of all Pride's - in New York City. Slowly, over the past three days, the buzz has been growing. More and more rainbow flags have gone up. People are dressing a little flashier. People are more likely to say 'hi' to a stranger on the sidewalk. People are using a formally declared weekend to truly be themselves.

Unfortunately it is society outside of our own (global) community that causes us to "tone it down" the other 362 days of the year. It's still a fight. Not about gay marriage, or adoption rights or even the ability to show affection to a member of the same sex in public, but an internal fight to get everyone to be 100% themselves. If we would all stop censoring and start using our collective power to CAUSE the change that we cry out for during this weekend, I don't think Pride would be considered a sin anymore.

This Should Be Interesting

2006-06-20T03:40:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Matt
Birthday:	August 7
Birthplace:	Fairfax, VA
Current Location:	Alexandria, VA
Eye Color:	Green
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	6'
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Polish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Restaurant Flats
Your Weakness:	Men with an accent
Your Fears:	To say something stupid
Your Perfect Pizza:	Mushroom, Black Olive, Sausage
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Successful store opening in NYC
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	What's up
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Coffee
Your Best Physical Feature:	Legs
Your Bedtime:	It depends
Your Most Missed Memory:	Can't remember
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke (Diet)
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonald's
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	yes
Do you Swear:	yes
Do you Sing:	yes
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	no, been there, done that
Do you want to get Married:	no
Do you belive in yourself:	yes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no
Do you think you are Attractive:	yes
Are you a Health Freak:	yes
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes
*Do you play an Instrument:*
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	no
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	yes
*In the past month have you gone on a Date:*
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	no
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	With a book in my hand
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Porn Star
What country would you most like to Visit:	Poland
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Brown
Favourite Hair Color:	Brown
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	5' - 5'10"
Weight:	over 200
Best Clothing Style:	casual, nothing designer
Number of Drugs I have taken:	6
Number of CDs I own:	too many to count
Number of Piercings:	2
Number of Tattoos:	3
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Tough Decision

2006-06-16T12:55:00.000-04:00

OK - so my postings are becoming spotty at best. Where this blog, in the past, was the one place I could escape to and let thoughts out; it doesn't seem to need to serve that purpose anymore.

Friends are coming out of the proverbial wood-work. Since my recent split I seem to be adding more and more people to the list of people that I hang out with. Because of this I find no reason to escape anymore.

I think it comes down to finally feeling like and acting like myself after so long. I guess when one is in a relationship they become a little guarded. At least I did. It's nice to be a little more free. Its nice to feel confidence enough to go up to and introduce myself to guys I've either admired from a-far (is that a word?) or on some level found extremely sexy and fun.

Ironic how all of this comes to light as I get a phone call this week that changes everything. A phone call that I've been waiting on for a long time. By the end of the summer I'll be moving to NYC. Just as everything is forming up to be the way I wanted it to be in my life - I'm going to up root myself and start over.

Its time though. After 28 years of living in the DC area, its time to see what I'm made of. It's time to open Pandora's Box and prove to myself that I will always survive. So get ready for the "Misadventures in the 212." Matt, I steal proudly from you - lol.

Back to Basics

2006-05-17T14:20:00.000-04:00

I have to say it took a note from a new friend of mine to make me realize that I hadn't been on here to post anything in over a month. It wasn't that I had forgotten about it, but after the last post and the weekend in question, I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about.

I'm recently, very recently, single. My partner and I decided that instead of continuing to live in the situation we placed ourselves in, it was time to truly end our relationship after 4.5 years. No hard feeling at all, and I wish him all the best, truly. But I learned some things about myself and what I need out of a relationship. I was 22 when we started, and he was my first serious relationship since coming out. I guess I was ignorant to what gay relationships, or any relationships for that matter, could really be. Like I've said before, I sheilded myself from creating real friendships until recently, and at times I was scared of the supposed fact that ending my relationship would leave me alone. Stupid me. (ha, ha, ha)

So its back to basics; back to making my snide comments on pop culture, which I ironically take gleeful part in on a daily basis.

Take my recent cell phone purchase. One of those ultra skinny models with the technology available so I can use a wireless headset or use it to "talk" to my hand held computer. That day I was Capitalism and Consumerism at its best (or worst). I walked right in to the store, pointed at the model, said I wanted all of the accessories, and promptly got some strange yet excited looks from the sales associate. I guess he had already spent a day with customers haggling with him over what phone they could get for free and talking down the price of their contracts.

What have I used this ULTRA PHONE for? Calling people, thats it. I haven't taken a picture, or downloaded a song or Bluetoothed it to anything, but the sheer possibility of being able to was worth the (undisclosed amount.)

So with that I'll say I'll be on here more. Maybe its because I now have more time to take in those little crazy parts of life that I like to talk about. Thanks, Ray, for making me feel like what I have to say is somewhat interesting.

"Now its time to say goodbye...."

Happy New Year

2006-04-21T13:22:00.000-04:00

Today is Friday, and I'm standing on the edge of an extraordinary weekend. It happens once a year here in DC. Some take it for the crazy/beautiful fun that it is on the surface and others hold it in high regard and contemplate the deeper meanings of friendships and life. Of course, I'm of the school that takes a little from both.

Let me back up a little. Five years ago, almost to the day, I had an eye opening experience. I walked into an extremely large room full of people that were, in one way or another, just like me. It was like someone took my most favorite dream and brought it to life. I look back on it now as the day I started living my life as it was meant to be lived, for better or sometimes worse.

Yeah, yeah, I know, too sappy - but this is why I titled this entry Happy New Year. While most of you are looking back on a year on December 31, I'm laid up on a couch somewhere after surviving another Holiday retail season. There's no time to contimplate; it makes my head hurt. It is this time of year, however, that I tend to step back and look at where I've been and where I may possibly be going. Some years I look forward into total uncertainty. This year I look forward with a lot of faith and a lot of hope and a TON of excitement (and a little bit of sadness).

After this weekend a lot of things are going to be different. It marks the beginning of the end for a few things, especially socially. It marks when I truly start to feel like an Adult. Within the next 365 days I will be uprooting myself from everything I've known since birth and hopefully becoming a better person (or at least a little less ignorant) through some new experiences. It's a good thing that I have a Joe on either coast that I can count on (and their wonderful partners; Kent to the West and Al to the East.)

I know I can deal with whatever I'm dealt with now. I think I proved that to myself over the past year. A lot of my own preconceived notions about myself were shattered, and I thank a good handful of people for that.

I know some parts of this entry are extremely vauge, especially for those of you who have never met me, but for one reason or another find some of my rantings touching or humorous (or both.) But this entry isn't for you - it's for those handful of people, and they know exactly who they are.

So, yeah, I hold this weekend in high regard; higher than some I'm sure. But it's because of this that I keep on dancin'.

Guilty Pleasures

2006-04-05T14:07:00.000-04:00

We all have them. TV Shows, music artists, movies, hobbies; things that we really enjoy, but usually only behind closed doors when no one is paying attention.

I have a ton of them. I have an entire iPod playlist dedicated to musical ones, entitled "Shameless Shameful Pop." I was in college during the big pop music wave of the late 90's. Many an hour was wasted in my fraternity house debating the merits of Backstreet Boys vs. N'Sync or Brittany vs. Christina. But what it came down to, even as throwaway and uninspired that music was, it was always fun. Dance to it, drink to it, lip sync to it, sing it at the top of your lungs in the car - but you'd be hard up to find anyone between the ages of 15 and 40 these days that can't recall the lyrics to "....Baby One More Time" or "Genie in a Bottle."

Now the question I pose is this, if guilty pleasures are popular with ourselves (and sometimes extremely close friends) and we truly enjoy them - why do we always clam up when it comes to sticking up for the entertainment value of "Desperate Housewives" or even reruns of "Melrose Place?"

I think we'd be amazed (are you reading, FM radio? network television?) at what kind of creativity would come about if what was really popular became popular. Take Madonna's latest "Confessions on a Dance Floor." How is it that it has received little to no airplay, no video spins on MTV and has fallen into the middle to low positions on the Billboard charts - but then everyone can sing "Sorry" or "Hung Up?" It doesn't add up.

I think Apple is the Pied Piper of guilty pleasures. For just $.99 a song or $1.99 an episode, anyone can download and replay the guiltiest of their own desires. Fill up a Nano or your entire hard drive, and you'll never have to listen to the redundancy of FM radio or sit through commercials during old reruns ever again.

I guess it all boils down to our culture and what we portray ourselves as vs. who we truly are. Let me tell you, my real self is a lot more interesting than what I tend to throw out there for the public sometimes. But I'm learning to not censor myself as much anymore; learning to not sit in a room and take in what's being discussed without participating. What I have to say or do is important, because I own it....and all three N'Sync albums.

Apologies

2006-03-27T18:55:00.000-05:00

My apologies to those of you who read my last mess of a post. I just read it myself and laughed an oddly embarassed laugh. That was the most illogical and self-serving string of thoughts I've ever seen in type.

It did serve a purpose, as soon as I cut myself short, I fell asleep. Massive brain dump.

I contimplated deleting the post, but I've thought better of it. I'll keep it up as a reminder of what NEVER to do again on here, and maybe others will come across it and have a good laugh. Don't worry, I'm laughing with you.

Trying to Catch a Racing Mind

2006-03-27T03:26:00.000-05:00

At 3:30am, any morning, whether its on the weekend, during the weekend, or during vacation - can be an odd time. Unless you are specifically doing something with people, and that specific something started much earlier, or even yesterday, it can be a time when you are forced to be alone.

Now, I think I've said this before. Being alone and being lonely are two completely different things. Sometimes I have to seek the sanctuary of 3:30am to get some alone time and to file my thoughts from the previous day where they belong. Then sometimes, out of a lack of sleep, a whole crop of new ones pop up. However, they can be the most random bits of information or observation, and the irony is that they have kept me up way past 3:30am in the past.

I guess this is a good of a forum as any to get this stuff down on "paper." This will be a list of random thoughts, some my drop off mid sentence, some may continue on longer than intended, but I want to see if I can type what I think without censor.

I wish I was in NYC right now with my friends. It kills me that I always look for the responsibility in my life and always put it before doing something that may put a smile on my face.

I just bought a $700 hand-held organizer from Dell.com. What the hell for except that I have a lot of credit with them and the new contraption has a GPS system attatched. Irony: I like getting lost and finding my own way.

I saw a shirt today that said "Original Gamer" with a sketch of the original Nintendo's controller on it. You know, a directional pad, start and select buttons, and then A and B. That's it. No Z trigger, no L and R buttons at the top, and definately no sign of a joy stick - and I got Link to Princess Zelda many times just fine.

How did I lose time to play video games? In my mind work takes up about 2/3 of the time that school actually did, and I would play back then for hours. I think the games now have gotten too plain hard. I can't get through them now without the "cheatbook." Whatever.

Can you love someone and not like them at the same time?

At what point in my life do I get to finally stop worrying about when pay day is?

Can you have a crush on someone who lives thousands of miles away and that you haven't seen in almost a year?

I mentally and physically sabatoge myself when it comes to working out. I slave away for weeks for some party, just to hear the other guys say I'm cute, and then I let it all go. It's like blowing up a beach ball a little too much, and then letting the plug out. I'm starting to not to want to blow up the beach ball anymore - unless I do it the right way for the right reasons. But what are those reasons?

The Clock of the Long Now

2006-03-15T13:49:00.000-05:00

*Note: this entry stems from ideas presented in an article in the Jan/Feb issue of Details Magazine; The Future is Now; Michael Chabon; pgs. 90-92.

Talk about learning something new everyday. In this article that I just finished reading 10 minutes ago I found out that there are scientists (of some mathematical discipline) that are creating a clock that is set to run for 10,000 years. No, that's not a type-o. The specific purpose of the clock, from my opinion of the article, is not as important or intriguing as what it says about us in the present.

What is your first memory of the future, your real first memory? Is it The Jetsons (a cartoon brought up frequently in the article)? The Time Machine? Soylent Green? Total Recall? Max Headroom? Back to the Future Part II? The Matrix? Or the soon-to-be-released V for Vendetta?

Every one of those fictional titles probably brings up a specific but extremely distinct vision of the future. Some steeped in fantasy and hope, others mired in helplessness. Now what if we were to separate these, and other depictions of the future, into those two categories? Notice as we go from old visions of the future to newer ones that they become more and more desperate and violent (for the most part). Some of them even depict the world teetering on the edge of a man-made Apocolypse, and those same visions depict an end point closer and closer to the time we live in now.

What happend to the desire? What happend to the enlightenment? What happend to the World's Fair? Sometimes its the hope and excitement of what the future holds that gets us as society through seemingly tough times. But are times now too tough to see past the seemingly infinately high brick wall that separates us from the possible truth?

Why do we scare ourselves like this? Why do we project our opinions and spin them in to doom and gloom? Anything that presents the future to us for entertainment purposes these days becomes too caught up in preaching to us about choices we make and how every one changes the future in big or small ways. I get it, please don't shove another story down my throat about machines taking over, or the moon falling from the sky, or Manhattan being burried in a thousand feet of snow. It's boring, redundant and it accomplishes exactly the opposite of what it sets out to do. It doesn't make me think of how to make things better, but that it doesn't matter what I do, because we're all fucked in the end anyway.

Put out a movie or a book or a show, or even a damn website that gives me something to look forward to. Give me a goal; I'll figure out the steps along the way. But give me (and everyone) the chance to make it right. Don't damn me before I get started (this means you Wachowski Brothers, Warner Bros. Studios, Christian Extremists, Japanese Anime producers and whomever decided that the Book of Revelation needed to be included in the Bible.)

So 10,000 years from now (March 15, 2006 AD) when The Clock of the Long Now winds down; when humans from the Milky Way travel to visit humans who live in some other far off galaxy; when we have transcended the need for religion; when we all drive flying bubble cars; when no one starves and when an education is valued more than currency I hope someone comes across this blog entry and has a side-splitting laugh over our stupidity and blindness at our expense.

I plan on living forever like Walt Disney - I'll be sure to say 'hi' to that person for you.

Under a Rock

2006-03-10T19:59:00.000-05:00

I feel like I just landed back on Earth after being in space, visiting another planet. That planet's name is Starbucks, located in the Latte Galaxy past the Black Hole they have recently named Opening Retail Stores.

This is my first post in over two weeks, my first chance to check email and even be on a computer other than my scheduling system at work in five days.

Rewarding? Yes. Exhausting? YES! Ready for another vacation? I can pack my bags in five minutes.

Vacation from Vacation

2006-02-21T12:41:00.000-05:00

It doesn't matter if I'm away for a weekend or a month, when I return from any vacation I tend to drop off the face of the earth the next day. Sometimes its because of the mountains of laundry or the lack of food in the house, other times its because I feel so emotionally and mentally stimulated that I need the extra day to sort everything out.

The result from my past weekend in New York describes the latter.

I'm not sure what it is about that city (especially for a guy who grew up in the rural suburbs of VA), but its energizing. It gives me a sense of needing to be going somewhere, doing something. And people say that DC has a fast pace of living, so why do I feel like I've returned to a snails pace?

There were certain (very personal) things that I set out to do this weekend; mostly before the Sunday arrival of my other six friends. But I didn't quite allow myself to accomplish them, and I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I think somewhere along the way I realized that for once I was actually alone, not in a bad sense of the word, but in a way that was fun, scary and deafaning all at the same time. I ended up being afraid of my own thought process.

Being alone means that your thoughts are raw and stay that way. You're the only filter, the only censor, the only audience. Your thoughts are truth, they are actual feelings (well - outside of my tendency to daydream frequently.) And once those guys got across the tunnel, those thoughts were shoved to the bottom of my bag with the dirty socks.

My last few hours in New York yesterday were emotionally charged, up and down. For some reason I realized all that I'm typing now, and my disappointment was too great for me to keep in.

I'm not a crier. Tears are a weird sensation rolling down my cheek.

But still I never cried out, no sobs. And finally it was controlled enough for me to finish packing and get out the door. Back to what I left behind for a while - for better or worse.

So today the cell phone stays off for a while. Emails dealing with schedules and mochas and staffing levels go unanswered. Sometimes aspects of life deserve undivided attention. Right now I place priority on sorting out and remembering and smiling. Anyone and anything that wasn't part of my New York experience will just have to wait.

I'll be home tomorrow.

St. Hallmark's Day

2006-02-14T15:21:00.000-05:00

This is the one holiday that could just slide on by or be erased from the calendar all together. I'm not single, I'm not cynical, but I'm also not a romantic and I'm not a fan of the color pink.

This was a holiday that I dreaded when younger. Maybe it was my budding sexuality, but the thought of giving valentine's to the girls in my class didn't interest me, and giving them to the boys scared the crap out of me. Thank God I grew up at the begining of the age of political corect-ness, and all of my grade school teachers always sent a full class roster home two weeks before asking that all children give cards to all of the others, or none at all.

These days its the holiday that creeps in and interupts my Christmas cheer. Who in the world is trying to stock up on those little candy message hearts on December 24th? And with the $1000 in christmas presents at home, and the upcoming deluge of birthdays (including my partner's), personal anniversary date and the feeling of NOT wanting to try and pick out that "special gift" one more time, I've thrown up my hands to the whole thing.

If you wish me a Happy Valentine's Day, I'll smile, I may say "Same to you" but then my ears are back on my iPod trying to get it out of my head. Don't send me a card, or money, or presents. You gave me more than enough just 6 weeks ago.

The only good this holiday does is that it provides chocolate and other caloric treats to those crazy New Year's Resolution people that have been clogging up my gym since Jan. 1. Tonight is the night that they finally break their diet with a 5 pound box of candy and decide tomorrow that the gym just isn't worth it.

There, someone send me a card in celebration of that.

The Impact Thus Far

2006-02-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

6 weeks into the new year already!?! I'm surprised that I've kept up on this blog even semi-regularly for that long. I was never one for diaries or journals or even logging my reps at the gym. What was the point? It was for my eyes only pretty much, and when am I going to go back and read about some dumb TV crush I had or how much I benched three months ago?

Now this blog this is different, and I see that now. And it definately governs how I communicate to all of you out there that read this. It's like being personal without wearing your heart on your sleeve or telling secrets about yourself or others that really shouldn't be coded into HTML.

Yes, I've gotten feedback. The most rewarding has been from a couple of the guys from the group mentioned in the entry over Martin Luther King Birthday weekend ("Friends Become Friends...."). They were extremely touched and offered even more words of encouragement. Thank God. I guess that's why I put my gratitude in here instead of expressing it to their face. As confident as I seem sometime, I think my greatest fear is people thinking that what comes out of my mouth is stupid.

I will always be mightier with a pen than a sword, and definately better with a pen than orally. The written (or typed) word seems so final. You really can't argue it, unless you talk to yourself. And even when you do, those words stay there, unchanged. A verbal exchange between people can take on an odd mutation of what it originally set out to be. Opinions are swayed, feelings are hurt and the worst is that I can stand there for two minutes searching for a word to say, that I don't give second thought to finding when typing or writing.

I've enjoyed how (this is cliche) these blog entries take on a mind of their own. From talking about fads, to the Super Bowl, to quips on celebrity, I type about whatever is on my mind at the exact moment I open my internet browser. For better for worse.

So to all of you out there, keep the feedback coming in. I really enjoy it.

Charmed Sunday

2006-02-08T13:28:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't watch it, nor did I TiVo it. The Super Bowl came and went this year without me giving it more than one glance, and in that glance I caught the FedEx commercial where the cave man was stomped by the enormous elephant.....yeah, sophomoric in terms of advertising, so I passed.

I didn't know that I could watch almost 12 straight hours of any television show, even my favorite show. In this case I watched the Charmed marathon on TNT. Serious camp, and fun, and mediocre special effects, but comfort TV none the less. Watching these episodes (that I have watched at least three times each) became a comfortable escape from reality for the day. Not that I needed to escape anything, not that I was stressed out, but sometimes turning on and tuning out is exactly what the doctor ordered.

So, congrats to the Steelers (they did win, didn't they?) I know that my cousins that hail from Pittsburgh were proud....and probably still obnoxiously celebrating.

Not-So-Super Sunday

2006-02-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

Its that time of year again. Every single American television, from HD flat pannels to grainy 12" black and whites with tin foil bunny ears, will be turned to watch up to 6 hours of the real American pastime - football. It doesn't matter who the two teams are, of if you even caught a single regular season game featuring any team; for some reason everyone feels compelled to tune in.

As a kid this was a holiday that ranked up there almost as high as Christmas or my birthday. I got to stay up every year to watch the whole game, almost as late as New Years! My hometown team, the Washington Redskins, have played in a large handful of games in my lifetime, so mostly I would cheer for whomever my parents were not, just so I could do "in your face" dances for my dad when my team scored.

These days I watch mainly for the commercials, the Skins haven't played in a Super Bowl in an extremely long time (but we did get not only into the playoffs, but to the second round!) I used to be in advertising and remember very vividly that for two years (and back in the days before TiVo) I would be assigned by a professor to tape ONLY the commercials, no game, so we can study the good ones and the ugly ones the next day in class. What a pain. Especially when there really is no rhyme or reason to when commercial breaks cut into a game, could be 15 minutes, then it could happen in just 30 seconds ("OOOOOHHHH he just went down, we better go to a word from our sponsors.)

I used to watch for the performances, between the National Anthem and the Half Time Show. It seemed like ever since the year Michael Jackson performed about 10 years ago, they would up the entertainment factor. There were the three years that the half time show was produced by MTV geared specifically to the TRL generation (Britney! Justin! Aerosmith!?!). But we all know what happend in 2004.

One accidentally (I understand, an arguable point) exposed pierced nipple at the end of a 15 minute long mini-Super Concert with Puff Daddy, Kid Rock, Justin Timberlake (the guilty) and the owner of the nipple, Janet Jackson (the victim).

I'm not going to debate here or rehash what the most TiVo'd event ever caused bigger mass media hysteria than anything President Bush has drummed up. My point to make today is just how anti-Super these games have become.

Paul McCartney? The Rolling Stones? Obviously great artists, but low on a lot of people's entertainment meeters. You can't be edgy or even half-way interesting sitting behind a piano, or having a silent competition on stage between Mick Jagger and Keith Richards to see who can do the best Karen Carpenter impersonation. And I couldn't even tell you who's singing the national anthem tonight, nor will I be able to tell you tomorrow.

Yes, the TiVo will be recording the Super Bowl tonight, but I won't be in front of it. This is probably the one Sunday out of the year there won't be an obnoxious number of sold out movies at the cinema I go to. And when I get home, I'll pop some popcorn, and fast forward to the commercials. For all of you who will be watching the game, and the half time show, I pray you don't see Mick's nipples....or worse.

Tattoo Pt. 2

2006-01-29T19:47:00.000-05:00

Yup, you guessed it, I finally took that hour away from Game Cube and the opening of my new store to plop myself down, hold out my arm....AND GO THROUGH THE MOST EXCRUTIATING 60 MINUTES OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

Tattoo #1 occurred 9 years ago, promptly the day after being initiated into the fraternity I so naively joined my freshman semester of college. Located above my right ankle it is a very nicely drawn sun over my fraternity's "secret moto" written in a Greek Acronym. Lesson learned, at 18, when you want to get a tattoo, draw it up, post it on your mirror and look at it everyday. If it's still what you want when you get out of college, knock yourself out. As for mine - I'm taking suggestions on how to cover up the Greek lettering.

Tattoo #2 occurred 5 years ago, the summer after graduating from college. It was an extremely promtu thing, this time choosing the Chineese kanji symbol for "the sun" (also meaning male or 'yang'). Its about an inch down the center of my back from the base of my neck. I truly love that one. Simple, easily hidden in appropriate situations, and a great conversation piece.

Tattoo #3 - yesterday (Saturday) 3:30pm. After reading what I wrote about my last one, especially its location, you may be surprised at where I settled for the newest creation. Exactly where I have planned on getting one for about a year now. On the inside of my left wrist (now do you know why I stressed the pain?) The artist (Steve at Fatty's Tattoos in DC) drew up EXACTLY what I had in my head, but lacked the artistic ability to get to paper. It's two linked symbols; one being the planetary symbol for the sun (yes - there's a theme and a method to my tattoo madness) which looks like a capital letter O with a dot in the middle. The second being the astrological sign for Leo. Simple, yet complex and kind of mysterious looking, even to me who knows exactly what it means.

As for the inner argument about how this tattoo will be perceived at work, I guess I've sentenced myself to a career wearing long sleeves. Ironically, won't that make me look more professional?

Pictures to be posted soon.

Just a Short Thought Pt. 2

2006-01-28T10:22:00.000-05:00

There are more jewish lesbian rabbis than there are gay men that can be identified as 'circuit boys' or 'muscle mutts' (body buitiful guys that go to these weekend long parties full of sex, drugs, dancing and attempts at gaining more self-esteem.) Again, why do we stress ourselves to fit in with smaller groups of people? Is there a sense of elitism or as gay men are we self-esteem masochists?

Something Was Lost During Winter Hiatus

2006-01-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

The television season. September to May, right? WRONG. September to November, then January, then 2 episodes in March, 4 weeks off and then a 5 episode sprint to the season finale during May sweeps. Wait, what about December? The month in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus, we also mourn the passing of televsion shows about to be overshadowed by mid-season pickups.

Some, deservedly so, never show their face again, except to be released as a "Complete Series of" DVD in time for next holiday season. Others are axed unfairly before their completed 13 episodes can air and before a certain murder can be solved.

I was one of roughly 3 million people that watched the show 'Reuinion' on FOX religeously during the September-November mini-season. Basic premise was in 2006 a close-knit circle of 6 friends attend their 20 year high school reunion. One is murdered, one walks away as the murderer, and we instantly flash back to 1986 and witness important events of each year, one per episode.

First, let's talk about one thing. When a network decides to pick up a show like this, episodic with a definate end; shouldn't they commit to producing and airing all episodes? Yeah, 3 million viewers is barely reason to keep a show on UPN, much less FOX, but to cut it before even worse performers such as That 70s Show or Malcom in the Middle?

Second, although soapy and campy by nature, the overall idea of a television show that isn't destined for continuing after its one season stint is over is just as cutting-edge as reality tv, shows that go by in real time for 24 weeks, comedies about dramatic housewives (or dramas about funny housewives), and pushing a button every 108 minutes due to a fear of the smoke monster (sorry, speaking in LOST language.)

Why are TV execs so afraid? The only reason why typical sitcoms and cop dramas continue to do well in the ratings is because at the end of the day (or season) that's the only damn thing on. For every Reunion, there are 4 knock offs of The OC (four of which are on The WB.)

People will watch greatness if that's what they are exposed to, people will watch absolute dog shit if it's on every channel.

Friends Become Actual Friends When You Least Expect It

2006-01-18T19:31:00.000-05:00

We all have groups of people we hang out with from time to time or even more often than that. We know of each other's occupations, we tend to enjoy doing the same things in our spare time, and we may be known to others outside of the group as a tight-knit group of people, but do we use the word "friend" too loosely?

I read a quote the other day that said that what Americans consider to be a friend is what Europeans consider to be acquaintances. That made me think about all of those I call friends, are they truly just accquaintances? For the most part I don't invest the trust in people to help me through tough times. I've always felt like I can deal with my own problems and that my partner will get me through the tough times. However, this past weekend, my partner was the cause of some seriously tough times.

And so my eyes were opened to how the group of guys that I, in the past, just associated myself with, proved themselves as real friends. I will say that it was because of my trepidations that I held these guys at an arms length for as long as I did. I wasn't sure if a "seventh" member of their group is what they needed or wanted, if my young age was seen as an issue or if they just weren't sure how to take me sometimes.

When things got really rough this weekend, these guys each gave me something that I needed at the exact time that I needed it. Comic relief, opening up his home, a two hour bitch session, a hug, tough-love advice, distracting conversation and truthful answers to my questions were all handed out by these guys in different ways and at different times. For once in my life I feel full and I feel important and I feel safe and cared for (outside of my family).

Maybe one day any one of or all six of those guys will stumble across this blog and read this entry. Or maybe someone else will stumble across it when they are trying to also figure out who their friends are. My advice is to let the walls down and just trust in whomever it is and see what happens. You may just end up with more than you started with.

(Thanks kitties.)

How MTV Lost and Then Regained a Pair of Eyes

2006-01-12T21:31:00.000-05:00

We've all heard it out there or even said it ourselves. Music Television should be renamed Real World Television, in honor of the endless hours of repeats of the quickly deteriorating reality television grandfather, and the subsequent hours of repeats of the painfully immature MTV shows The Real World has inspired.

Between Room Raiders, The Real World (since the Las Vegas season), the memories-of-junior-high inducing TRL and even the award show turned Festival Concert MTV Video Music Awards, I have since realized that once you're too old to apply for The Real World, then you're just too old to watch MTV.

Does that stop me from catching the bi-annual battle between all of the "stars" of The Real World and its since-cancelled sister Road Rules? Hell no. Admittedlly so. It's fun seeing how much better or worse some of my favorite people have started to look than what they did back in my college years.

But MTV has held a soft spot in my heart for at least one fleeting hour of decent television programming per week. I'm telling you now, catch True Life. While MTV "reality" shows celebrate and ironically laugh at jacuzzi three-somes, daily drunken hookups and knife-wealding roomates, True Life celebrates, well, true life, while taking a hard look at how real young adults deal with household brand name products. Steroids, Plastic Surgery, Fat Camp, OCD, Becoming a Pro-Wrestler have all been some of the most interesting hours I've spent in front of the TV. A couple of episodes tend to hit harder for me personally than other (looking forward to the Steroid episode tonight - as I battle with my own coming-to-terms with my up and down "juice" use, and subsequent up and down body image) but they all have some very important lessons to communicate. All of them about how diverse youth in America truly are, even when some may think they're all MTV clones. In an ironic turn, the same network that causes some serious strife for some about how to look, act, drink, puke and screw, is the same network that's turning the picture tube into a mirror.

Just a Short Thought

2006-01-10T17:16:00.000-05:00

Statistically, compared to the general population, celebrities don't exist. So why in the world do we visually and audibly torture ourselves with images of a life that, technically, doesn't really exist? I guess it all means that Paris Hilton REALLY isn't relevant after all. That's hot.

History and Politics are Doomed to Repeat Themselves - Unfortunately Only in School Books

2006-01-09T18:06:00.001-05:00

So last night the Vice President went to the hospital for shortness of breath. It seems like ever since he took office back in 2001 he's been riddled with ailments that have made the general public question more about his ability to live to the end of his term than his ability to help run this country.

So on my way to work my brain started working (after 3 cups of joe to get me moving). It's also amazing what listening to right-winged AM radio will do, especially to this left-winged gay man that would rather listen to satellite radio or his iPod. Anyway, back to my working brain. I wondered who would succeed the Vice President if he were to pass on. I mean, the Vice President becomes President - and then third in line is Speaker of the House (right?).

See, I even question my own ability to recall this tidbit of information. Then I'm torn. Torn between "Who the hell cares?" and "How goddamn embarrassing that I don't know this." God forbid if Jay Leno or David Letterman ever find me on the streets to ask questions about our history and government. I ain't gonna be nobody's laugh riot; nuh uh no way....

Throughout the day I've realized how little I do know about our government, or at least about the specific people that run our country. Outside of the President, VP and Secretary of State Rice, I couldn't tell you very much more than that. Is it because I'm not a patriotic or responsible citizen, or is it because I came to a realization a long time ago that politics, at least to me, is a game that I'd rather not play. I mean, outside of the individual state governments limiting my own right to marry my same sex partner, my upper-middle class life doesn't sway to far good or bad depending on who has control of the wheel.

I'm all about the Democratic party getting a stronger foothold in this country over the Republicans, but then if they stay in the majority power for too long, how bad could it become on the other side? I mean, after the elections of 2004 it seemed like the Republicans had that foothold in our society, between red fly-over states and severe backlash over gay marriage, but it didn't take long for the Republican backlash to start. Between our serious mistake in not getting out of Iraq well over a year ago (resulting in over 2000 needless American soldier casulties) and the HUGE trip-up that our Republican government made in dealing with the Katrina aftermath, it seems like we always end up back in the middle. The best of both worlds with societal checks and balances that pull us back before we go too far.

Wow - talk about a sociological, political essay I've just typed out. Call me an optimist or a dreamer or even a hippie, but there's a reason why most of the US doesn't seem to care much about our government. It's because, at least since the late 80s (as far as my continuous memory goes back) most of us have been settled comfortably in the middle, with our own control over the success of our own lives, leaving those no-name political big-wigs to play their balancing Tug-o-War.

Tattoo

2006-01-08T19:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm checking out Margaret Cho's website and her attached blog (Margaret Cho's Blog)(now that I've started one, those belonging to others seem a little more interesting than before. I guess I'm looking for inspiration.) and I see that she recently got an absolutely HUGE and beautiful tattoo all across the lower half of her back.

So I'm thinking to myself - why am I being such a puss boy about getting the tattoo I've been planning for a fucking year now? I know what I want, I know where I want it - so why do I keep making excuses?

Not like I don't have the money - and if I'd take an hour away from obsessing over my new store, or away from GameCube (told you I can be a dork) it would be over and done with. It might be that weird in-between feeling I've been feeling lately. It's not like I'm 22 and fresh out of college anymore. It's not like I have those same "fuck the system, my know-how is more valuable than where I place piercings or tattoos" aspirations. Does that mean I've admitted defeat from the system? HELL NO - but it does mean I know how to play the game a little better than before.

Case in point - as to why my hesitation to the tattoo. My company has a strict "no showing tattoos" policy, and the location of my planned body defacing is on the inside of my left wrist. What does that mean? Long sleeves and/or big thick non-corporate watches for the rest of my life. At least if I'm going to continue to climb the ladder like I have.

It's all about finding balance and not burning bridges like I used to. Wow, now just think if I had taken time away from this blog entry and just went to go get that damn tattoo....

Little Rubber Bracelets

2006-01-07T20:36:00.000-05:00

To keep with my last post of never letting a trend go by, I have to comment on the onslaught of those colored rubber bracelets that you can buy from almost anyone to stand for anything. I guess it all started with Lance Armstrong and the yellow ones, but I'll be damned if I don't walk down the streets of DC these days without seeing a new color standing for a new philanthropy on everyone from delivery guys to Hill interns.

Honestly, has it gotten out of control? This past Christmas I decorated an entire two-foot tree with nothing but my collection of the new-millenium's answer to the 80s bangel bracelet. There were the usual suspects, a Livestrong bracelet here, a white one for The One Campaign there. Then they got weird. A rainbow one for "Support Gay Marriage" (I'm gay, but who in the world reaps the monetary benefits from that one? If we sell enough of them does that mean my partner and I can have our elopement in P-Town paid for?), the red Cherryfund ones that granted us access to the local cirucuit party events last April, a purple one with various San Francisco icons on it, and my personal favorite, the green one for "Save the Pandas" (I guess for the recent birth of the panda cub here at the National Zoo.)

The irony, I haven't paid for a single one of these bracelets, but not because that's what I set out to do. It all started with "borrowing" a Livestrong one from my partner's daughter, and then the others just started showing up. Two in my backpack at an afterhours, left behind by a regular customer on my counters at work, attached to going-away presents, and then, as a gag birthday gift, my great friend Rob Harris presented me with a $2.99 package of generic ones that not only smelled like fake fishing tackle, but had such "touchy feely" sayings such as Peace, Romance, and my personal favorite; Truth. Too bad none of them are large enough to fit around my thick wrists from years of lifting; they would probably barely fit as cock-rings. However I think wearing the Romance ones as phallic support would probably kill the mood if someone were to be servicing in that area and just happend to start reading.

The point to all of this? That as I'm typing this entry I believe that 2006 is going to be the year of the rubber bracelet backlash. In 2005 they were so cheesy they were cool, but this year they'll just be cheesy. Will that stop me from wearing a few choice ones from my collection? Depends. But I'll be on the lookout for the next trend to rear its ugly head. Isn't it time for designer shoelaces to make a comeback?

Never One to Let a Trend Go By

2006-01-06T17:25:00.000-05:00

So, here I am on the verge of 28, well past my days of "surfing" the web, except for the random hook-up, online bill paying and entertainment news (new Janet Jackson album anyone?) and I become intrigued by a blog by a good friend who has since moved from DC to sunny LA. English-Matt (as opposed to me, American-Matt) has posted some of the funniest stuff I've read, and so I'm hooked.

Will anyone read this? Not sure. And if they do, will they get it? Even less sure. But I figure if Madonna and The Carver (Nip/Tuck) can do it, I might as well put my cyber-finger print out there for better or worse.

For those of you interested in what inspired this mess, head to
Misadventures in the (310).

Ok - now a good 10 minutes have passed with me hitting a few keystrokes, and promptly backspacing over each one of them in complete bewilderment of where to go next. My absolute horror of having to reset my iPod for the first time today (and consequently losing all of my Buffy Podcasts - yeah, I can be a dork)? My frustration with and equal enjoyment in the relationship I'm in? The trepedation I have of opening my first store (eventhough I'm backed and protected by the Java-Giant of all Java-Giants, Starbucks.) Or maybe the cry for as much weightlifting, nutrition, training and supplement information I can get my hands on.

Maybe I'll hit on all of these, maybe just some, but for those looking for a quick insight on me and what I look like (roughly) head to
My Bigmuscle.com profile (under 21? STEER CLEAR!) and I'll be back in some amount of time to hit on something mentioned above.