Monday, January 21, 2008
The Golden Post
Yup, post number 50. It's taken me long enough....
In flux. That's all I can really think about right now. The last post was really a tongue in cheek way to laugh at my absurd reality of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows - and how none of it really seems to "stick" longer than 24 hours. I guess I've really taken the "you can't move forward by looking back" mantra of some bad Afterschool Special or "Graduation Day" episode of Saved by the Bell (the New Class, because the originals didn't do anything but try to recreate Bayside High at whatever "college" they ended up going to...but I digress.)
Everything is in flux these days: a frustrating job hunt, ignoring US Postal Service daily deliveries to my mailbox since 99.9% of what's in there is shameful evidence of unemployment, (The other .1%? Entertainment Weekly, every Friday), any resemblance to a "routine" I mapped out here in New York (the gym? ha! grocery shopping? not on your life! running errands? always dissolves into aimless and endless iPod induced walks), and I may regret typing this later on, but as I feel now, even my friendships are in flux....(sorry, but I'll explain)
This last one I KNOW is just my unbelievably annoying Power of Projection that becomes stronger during this state of Flux (yes, it is now a proper noun - normally a place, but also a person personified by yours truly.) So back to the friendships.
I am slipping into a weird state of denied depression. Or maybe its a sad attempt at hiding the truth from myself: That my impulsive nature really put me in a pickle this time with quitting one job with NO form of income. To my defense, I really had to. I cannot and will not stay in a situation that is stressing me out into a state of inaction. Been there, fucked that for 4.5 years. So because of all this, I know I'm probably not the MOST fun person to be around these days. Don't get me wrong, I can keep up pretenses. I'm not all "woe is me, blah blah blah" but I do get quiet with people when I'm not happy. I feel like I can't contribute. And now, unemployed, with friends that are in the process of closing on condos and hiring decorators and being in a place where they are moving up (or doing the grown-up thing) I've never felt more like dead weight or "one of these things is not like the others."
I take cancelled plans as avoidance, I over-think and over-analyze every weird intonation, sideways glance or "slight" thrown at me as a way of showing me the door. Until things get better....
And the flip argument (and the more realistic one) is that people are actually more busy than I am. Five days of work causes unseen exhaustion come weekend. 14 degree weather turns everyone into agoraphobic (afraid of the outdoors). Decisions have to be made, places to run, email to write, classes to plan, investings to invest, Beeps to Bop and to Boop. And here I sit in my apartment driving myself insane on the various job search sites, sending resumes to generic "Apply Now" buttons and playing phone tag with interested companies that may end up cutting me off at the knees in terms of salary just so there is some source of income and something to pass my days.
(So I interrupt this tirade with this quick but heartfelt apology to those who stumble across my blog on occasion and may take issue or offense with the last couple of paragraphs. I'm really working through it, and trying to do so without dragging you into messy feeling that shouldn't be there in the first place.)
So I have two interviews this week and had a phone interview last Friday. There is movement. Getting the face time is all I needed. Both jobs are as good as mine. Eggs, now some of you are going to have to get out of that one basket, and I'm not counting any further until everyone is hatched. But its something, and something, whatever it is, is better than feeling like I'm being cyber-ignored or, in my worse projection, being collectively laughed at by the greater NYC job force, clearly not letting me in on what's so funny.
DAMN, I'm fucking negative tonight, huh? I wonder if Walden could blog his way into instant publication as we all do now, instead of writing in journals that he later reviewed, and edited, before putting them out there, that his solo stay in the woods by the pond would read a little more snarky and less "hug a tree."
Snarky - adj. The state of showing an external distaste for another person, action, event, place, etc. as a way to cover up some personal angst. Usually mistaken for getting up on the wrong side of the bed or that time of the month. In a sentence: I was going to ask him to come over, but I've heard about his snarky comments back to other guys on Manhunt.net who he doesn't find attractive.
In flux. That's all I can really think about right now. The last post was really a tongue in cheek way to laugh at my absurd reality of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows - and how none of it really seems to "stick" longer than 24 hours. I guess I've really taken the "you can't move forward by looking back" mantra of some bad Afterschool Special or "Graduation Day" episode of Saved by the Bell (the New Class, because the originals didn't do anything but try to recreate Bayside High at whatever "college" they ended up going to...but I digress.)
Everything is in flux these days: a frustrating job hunt, ignoring US Postal Service daily deliveries to my mailbox since 99.9% of what's in there is shameful evidence of unemployment, (The other .1%? Entertainment Weekly, every Friday), any resemblance to a "routine" I mapped out here in New York (the gym? ha! grocery shopping? not on your life! running errands? always dissolves into aimless and endless iPod induced walks), and I may regret typing this later on, but as I feel now, even my friendships are in flux....(sorry, but I'll explain)
This last one I KNOW is just my unbelievably annoying Power of Projection that becomes stronger during this state of Flux (yes, it is now a proper noun - normally a place, but also a person personified by yours truly.) So back to the friendships.
I am slipping into a weird state of denied depression. Or maybe its a sad attempt at hiding the truth from myself: That my impulsive nature really put me in a pickle this time with quitting one job with NO form of income. To my defense, I really had to. I cannot and will not stay in a situation that is stressing me out into a state of inaction. Been there, fucked that for 4.5 years. So because of all this, I know I'm probably not the MOST fun person to be around these days. Don't get me wrong, I can keep up pretenses. I'm not all "woe is me, blah blah blah" but I do get quiet with people when I'm not happy. I feel like I can't contribute. And now, unemployed, with friends that are in the process of closing on condos and hiring decorators and being in a place where they are moving up (or doing the grown-up thing) I've never felt more like dead weight or "one of these things is not like the others."
I take cancelled plans as avoidance, I over-think and over-analyze every weird intonation, sideways glance or "slight" thrown at me as a way of showing me the door. Until things get better....
And the flip argument (and the more realistic one) is that people are actually more busy than I am. Five days of work causes unseen exhaustion come weekend. 14 degree weather turns everyone into agoraphobic (afraid of the outdoors). Decisions have to be made, places to run, email to write, classes to plan, investings to invest, Beeps to Bop and to Boop. And here I sit in my apartment driving myself insane on the various job search sites, sending resumes to generic "Apply Now" buttons and playing phone tag with interested companies that may end up cutting me off at the knees in terms of salary just so there is some source of income and something to pass my days.
(So I interrupt this tirade with this quick but heartfelt apology to those who stumble across my blog on occasion and may take issue or offense with the last couple of paragraphs. I'm really working through it, and trying to do so without dragging you into messy feeling that shouldn't be there in the first place.)
So I have two interviews this week and had a phone interview last Friday. There is movement. Getting the face time is all I needed. Both jobs are as good as mine. Eggs, now some of you are going to have to get out of that one basket, and I'm not counting any further until everyone is hatched. But its something, and something, whatever it is, is better than feeling like I'm being cyber-ignored or, in my worse projection, being collectively laughed at by the greater NYC job force, clearly not letting me in on what's so funny.
DAMN, I'm fucking negative tonight, huh? I wonder if Walden could blog his way into instant publication as we all do now, instead of writing in journals that he later reviewed, and edited, before putting them out there, that his solo stay in the woods by the pond would read a little more snarky and less "hug a tree."
Snarky - adj. The state of showing an external distaste for another person, action, event, place, etc. as a way to cover up some personal angst. Usually mistaken for getting up on the wrong side of the bed or that time of the month. In a sentence: I was going to ask him to come over, but I've heard about his snarky comments back to other guys on Manhunt.net who he doesn't find attractive.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Is There a 30-day Return Policy on New Years? Mine Didn't Come With an Instruction Manual
So let me get this part out of the way before I dive into what I mean by today's title:
2007 closed with the earning of the (possibly sticking) nickname of Louisville Slugger (if you don't know, I'm not sure you really want to find out) and continued proof that real friends make events/parties/etc. memorable. Thanks, guys (5 of ya, and you know who...and who not), for honestly the best Alegria party I've been to. (WHAAAT!)
Which brings me to:
My 2008 did not come with an instruction manual or even a troubleshooting or FAQ booklet. It is the 9th day of the year; not even in the double digits yet, but more has been thrown into it than I can wrap my head around, both personally and out there in the pop-world.
1. Right off the bat, as in the ball barely touched ground and in the hours close following, I learned that I have the friends I need and want. Adding one outsider, even for just a get together causes me to become hypersensative to how much bs the five of us don't even get close to dealing with, and how much bs one person can display in a relatively short time span. The end result of such a combination may always end in some Dazzling Display, leaving people feebly "beep bop boop"ing in its wake. There's a reason why water isn't H30.
2. If I cry for some minute reason one more time...so always pull an impromptu slumber party so you don't have to wake up a lone the next day if you're feeling a little 'off.'
3. Tailspin, that's what I was sent into around 8:30p on the SECOND. Came home to find my apartment window forced open and my Ninetndo Wii, games, LAPTOP and Starbucks backpack (good riddance) gone. Calling the police is the absolute last thing anyone wants to do or deal with the day after a weekend of decadance; leaving it at that. Commence 4 days of NO computer access as the anxiety of finding a job quickly weighs heavier and heavier.
4. Blessed with the ability to confidently make rash decisions (for better or for worse) blessed me with two wonderful days of sleeping through DVD after DVD of Friends, guilt free. For the first time ever.
5. A previous employer (remaining nameless) is absolutely DUMB when it comes to HR and Payroll issues. Thank-you for my full paycheck and additional vacation payout for time I never had. Add this to the list of "reasons to jump ship, and fast."
6. Crying for no reason? Try taking the Christmas decorations down. They should automatically turn to dust or whatever come Epiphany.
7. Not having a computer....I may as well been churning my own butter and sending Pony Express.
8. Not having a computer....makes a $300 purchase at one of the "wholesale" stores on every corner in lower mid-town a completely logical and sound investment as long as I can connect to the Internet in the comfort of my own home.
9. Three job offers and counting. I'm now almost scared into indecision that I'll pick another dud like last time.
10. 2008 is the Year of the Boyfriend...no it's not...yes it is....no its not...yes it is.
11. Britney understandably had that meltdown that Perez Hilton has probably been taking bets on over on his blog on when it would finally happen. The world watched; two major primary elections came and went; but it was a bigger outrage that Dr. Phill once again stuck his big self-riteous nose in someone's business and passed judgement. Word to the doc: when you start to follow your own weight loss advice, then I'll believe you function in this dimension.
12. Britney - I feel for you and pray for you, honestly. Do whatever it is that you want to do and need to do to stay true to yourself. I'm sorry that our misguided media attention on your personal life continues to overshadow the good things you do and the truly awful things that continue to go on around the world. It's their issue, not yours.
13. And again to the media, so she gets a little choked up while expressing true emotion over how she no longer wants to see this country digress and/or resist change and you TEAR HER APART? You link it to her third place finish in Iowa. Guess Hilary once again gave the big finger to you yesterday after New Hampshire.
14. When you lose count of sexual playtime this early in the game, its time to re-evaluate. But it's being done with a ciggy in my mouth and a stupid satisfied grin on my face that makes me look cartoonish. And that trumps blue balls any day.
15. And the overhanging cloud to all of this: the 24/7 thinking about what my accomplishment and explorations will be this year. Focusing down to more gym time (go-go by 30) and getting out of the L train radius and finding a new vice.
I could go on and on an on, honestly. less than 200 hours have passed in this new year and I'm finding myself wishing I could delegate parts of my life out to others.
Oh and a preview of what's to come?
Interviews and salary negotiations
New Hire training
The Black Man moving in
Valentines Day (fuck it), and
a new Janet Jackson album.
Talk about March coming in like a lion (kitty swipe.) Which beggs the question, "Am I bovvered? Me? Face? On Atkins, I'll take it without the bun?, Mask?, Bovvered?"
2007 closed with the earning of the (possibly sticking) nickname of Louisville Slugger (if you don't know, I'm not sure you really want to find out) and continued proof that real friends make events/parties/etc. memorable. Thanks, guys (5 of ya, and you know who...and who not), for honestly the best Alegria party I've been to. (WHAAAT!)
Which brings me to:
My 2008 did not come with an instruction manual or even a troubleshooting or FAQ booklet. It is the 9th day of the year; not even in the double digits yet, but more has been thrown into it than I can wrap my head around, both personally and out there in the pop-world.
1. Right off the bat, as in the ball barely touched ground and in the hours close following, I learned that I have the friends I need and want. Adding one outsider, even for just a get together causes me to become hypersensative to how much bs the five of us don't even get close to dealing with, and how much bs one person can display in a relatively short time span. The end result of such a combination may always end in some Dazzling Display, leaving people feebly "beep bop boop"ing in its wake. There's a reason why water isn't H30.
2. If I cry for some minute reason one more time...so always pull an impromptu slumber party so you don't have to wake up a lone the next day if you're feeling a little 'off.'
3. Tailspin, that's what I was sent into around 8:30p on the SECOND. Came home to find my apartment window forced open and my Ninetndo Wii, games, LAPTOP and Starbucks backpack (good riddance) gone. Calling the police is the absolute last thing anyone wants to do or deal with the day after a weekend of decadance; leaving it at that. Commence 4 days of NO computer access as the anxiety of finding a job quickly weighs heavier and heavier.
4. Blessed with the ability to confidently make rash decisions (for better or for worse) blessed me with two wonderful days of sleeping through DVD after DVD of Friends, guilt free. For the first time ever.
5. A previous employer (remaining nameless) is absolutely DUMB when it comes to HR and Payroll issues. Thank-you for my full paycheck and additional vacation payout for time I never had. Add this to the list of "reasons to jump ship, and fast."
6. Crying for no reason? Try taking the Christmas decorations down. They should automatically turn to dust or whatever come Epiphany.
7. Not having a computer....I may as well been churning my own butter and sending Pony Express.
8. Not having a computer....makes a $300 purchase at one of the "wholesale" stores on every corner in lower mid-town a completely logical and sound investment as long as I can connect to the Internet in the comfort of my own home.
9. Three job offers and counting. I'm now almost scared into indecision that I'll pick another dud like last time.
10. 2008 is the Year of the Boyfriend...no it's not...yes it is....no its not...yes it is.
11. Britney understandably had that meltdown that Perez Hilton has probably been taking bets on over on his blog on when it would finally happen. The world watched; two major primary elections came and went; but it was a bigger outrage that Dr. Phill once again stuck his big self-riteous nose in someone's business and passed judgement. Word to the doc: when you start to follow your own weight loss advice, then I'll believe you function in this dimension.
12. Britney - I feel for you and pray for you, honestly. Do whatever it is that you want to do and need to do to stay true to yourself. I'm sorry that our misguided media attention on your personal life continues to overshadow the good things you do and the truly awful things that continue to go on around the world. It's their issue, not yours.
13. And again to the media, so she gets a little choked up while expressing true emotion over how she no longer wants to see this country digress and/or resist change and you TEAR HER APART? You link it to her third place finish in Iowa. Guess Hilary once again gave the big finger to you yesterday after New Hampshire.
14. When you lose count of sexual playtime this early in the game, its time to re-evaluate. But it's being done with a ciggy in my mouth and a stupid satisfied grin on my face that makes me look cartoonish. And that trumps blue balls any day.
15. And the overhanging cloud to all of this: the 24/7 thinking about what my accomplishment and explorations will be this year. Focusing down to more gym time (go-go by 30) and getting out of the L train radius and finding a new vice.
I could go on and on an on, honestly. less than 200 hours have passed in this new year and I'm finding myself wishing I could delegate parts of my life out to others.
Oh and a preview of what's to come?
Interviews and salary negotiations
New Hire training
The Black Man moving in
Valentines Day (fuck it), and
a new Janet Jackson album.
Talk about March coming in like a lion (kitty swipe.) Which beggs the question, "Am I bovvered? Me? Face? On Atkins, I'll take it without the bun?, Mask?, Bovvered?"
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