Thursday, February 21, 2008
Stripped
I borrow shamelessly from Christina Aguilera's 2003 album of the same name because that's how I feel right now. It's the night before my first paycheck in well over a month. Both accounts are well past empty, I'll be fishing for quarters tomorrow morning for my cup of coffee, and for some reason I find myself on a low-social contact diet. At first not voluntary, but as it goes on, it's kind of refreshing.
Living at bare-bones, or close to them, puts a lot in perspective. What was once a "need to do" or "have to have" becomes a "nice again someday." Those that were "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'm young enough to push off" or any other procrastination justification suddenly becomes a genuine interest or source of excitement again.
At one level there are things that I've done or put in my body and mind that I am really thinking numbed me to real life experiences. When you live for the weekend or the next party or the next great fuck, you really do miss out on what happens in between. You stop making decisions; you let too much just "happen" and possibly spin out of your control. The come down starts to out weigh and last longer than the jack-up.
Cold-turkey or never again? I doubt it. But I'm not comfortable or even slightly interested in making real life a struggle for a few hours of pleasure or fun (with people that I'm more and more becoming afraid that I may not truly be in the long haul with, which is really unfortunate, because I miss them terribly, but I can't force it.) But now that I'm stripped down to a raw state I find myself enjoying more of the day to day than I have in a very long time.
Living at bare-bones, or close to them, puts a lot in perspective. What was once a "need to do" or "have to have" becomes a "nice again someday." Those that were "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'm young enough to push off" or any other procrastination justification suddenly becomes a genuine interest or source of excitement again.
At one level there are things that I've done or put in my body and mind that I am really thinking numbed me to real life experiences. When you live for the weekend or the next party or the next great fuck, you really do miss out on what happens in between. You stop making decisions; you let too much just "happen" and possibly spin out of your control. The come down starts to out weigh and last longer than the jack-up.
Cold-turkey or never again? I doubt it. But I'm not comfortable or even slightly interested in making real life a struggle for a few hours of pleasure or fun (with people that I'm more and more becoming afraid that I may not truly be in the long haul with, which is really unfortunate, because I miss them terribly, but I can't force it.) But now that I'm stripped down to a raw state I find myself enjoying more of the day to day than I have in a very long time.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Darkest Before Dawn....Isn't That the Sun Over There?
So for those of you out there that have been reading this ongoing saga (and sending some really great comments and emails; and I thank-you) I felt like I couldn't keep you guys in the dark about my chugging-along reality.
Found a job. A God's-honest way of earning a living again. Once again back in the food business, but in these uncertainly uncertain economic times; recessions, The Dow Jones yo-yo (do you think he can Walk the Dog or Cat's Cradle?), tax return season and tax rebate rumors (more on that later) seeking my return to advertising was proving to be difficult at best. There's some job security in managing a branded restaurant. And its not like I'm not good at it or didn't enjoy my time at Starbucks. So not to let a poor 4-month long decision deter me, I head back to the grind on Monday (interviewed Tuesday, was offered on Wednesday, signed on Thursday - there, that was easy; and exactly 6 months to the day until my big 3-0. I oddly keep track of things like that) and it all comes...with a twist.
Back to school. The thought I never thought I would think. I hit the proverbial wall during my Senior semester in college. After spending the first months of my Senior year putting together an application to Grad School and all but receiving a physical acceptance letter in the mail, I returned from Spring Break (whoo-hoo) to find that wall, hit it hard, pull my application, and count the days til my last final. I was steadfast in saying I'd never go back....but even my stubborn mind can be shifted.
Of all people my own Mom planted the idea in my head a few weeks ago. It oddly came from left field but also felt like the next natural progression. Its time to beef up the knowledge, beef up the career base and start to fill up those days of 12-hour Buffy marathons.
Idle hands are of my own, and they can be the Devil's. I keep hearing on the news, etc. about people not having the time to do whatever. I find myself in the opposite position - having too much time...but still not accomplishing anything lately. I remember back to the days of school where a course load, a part time job and numerous "extra cirriculars" had my alotted 24 hours busting at the seams, but I was happy. Fat-ly happy on stress and interaction and having to use my brain in more ways than just "work" and "home."
So the research begins. My preference is to get my MBA from NYU, specializing in Tourism and Hospitaity. My goal is to start matriculating Fall 2008. Filling my evenings and weekends with lectures, reading, papers and practicums. I couldn't be more excited. (So if anyone has some financial aid suggestions for me - let the emails fly.)
Found a job. A God's-honest way of earning a living again. Once again back in the food business, but in these uncertainly uncertain economic times; recessions, The Dow Jones yo-yo (do you think he can Walk the Dog or Cat's Cradle?), tax return season and tax rebate rumors (more on that later) seeking my return to advertising was proving to be difficult at best. There's some job security in managing a branded restaurant. And its not like I'm not good at it or didn't enjoy my time at Starbucks. So not to let a poor 4-month long decision deter me, I head back to the grind on Monday (interviewed Tuesday, was offered on Wednesday, signed on Thursday - there, that was easy; and exactly 6 months to the day until my big 3-0. I oddly keep track of things like that) and it all comes...with a twist.
Back to school. The thought I never thought I would think. I hit the proverbial wall during my Senior semester in college. After spending the first months of my Senior year putting together an application to Grad School and all but receiving a physical acceptance letter in the mail, I returned from Spring Break (whoo-hoo) to find that wall, hit it hard, pull my application, and count the days til my last final. I was steadfast in saying I'd never go back....but even my stubborn mind can be shifted.
Of all people my own Mom planted the idea in my head a few weeks ago. It oddly came from left field but also felt like the next natural progression. Its time to beef up the knowledge, beef up the career base and start to fill up those days of 12-hour Buffy marathons.
Idle hands are of my own, and they can be the Devil's. I keep hearing on the news, etc. about people not having the time to do whatever. I find myself in the opposite position - having too much time...but still not accomplishing anything lately. I remember back to the days of school where a course load, a part time job and numerous "extra cirriculars" had my alotted 24 hours busting at the seams, but I was happy. Fat-ly happy on stress and interaction and having to use my brain in more ways than just "work" and "home."
So the research begins. My preference is to get my MBA from NYU, specializing in Tourism and Hospitaity. My goal is to start matriculating Fall 2008. Filling my evenings and weekends with lectures, reading, papers and practicums. I couldn't be more excited. (So if anyone has some financial aid suggestions for me - let the emails fly.)
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