Last One on the Blog Train

Two weeks ago my ex dropped me an email to say that he wanted to see how I was doing...which was the passive-aggressive opening to an email that illustrated his naive ability to manipulate other people.

He continued on to boast how well he's doing in Real Estate school, how much he's enjoying working part-time for MY COMPANY THAT I'VE BEEN WITH FOR FOUR YEARS and to ask for a $600 security deposit he put down on the apartment we had in DC, even though he cost me in excess of $3000 for bounced or unpaid rent checks; the only expence he was responsible for in the three years we were there.

Then at the end was a short paragraph, asking me to get in touch with his eleven year-old daughter because I "shouldn't take out on her the fact that we're not together anymore, regardless of you wanting to be in contact with me or not."

Um, last time I checked I didn't give birth to her, I didn't contribute the sperm, I didn't adopt her, or mire myself in a custody battle over her. I was her daddy's boyfriend, and now I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I love her with every ounce of my heart that I can, but I refuse to be made to feel responsible for any feelings, good or bad, she may have towards the fact that he and I aren't together anymore.

So I wrote him back and said just that. I also said that what pain I have left and have not worked through I am too tired to deal with right now. But if I was to keep up contact with his daughter, that pain would resurface everytime I sent or received an email from her. That's not fair to her at all. Selfish? Maybe. Self-serving? Absolutely. But it's not to be malicious; its me dealing with my pain the best way I know how.

I don't need my ex having an indirect tie to me through his daughter. He has no business in my life for the simple fact that there is no relationship between us any longer. I don't want him to, in any way, be able to keep any tabs on me. The questions he asked in the email were those types of questions, asked in order for him to keep tabs and compare my readjustment to being single to his.

I did write back, a rather lengthy email, just now, two weeks after his to me. I laid a lot out for him; about my thought process about myself and how I interact with the world now that I have left a failing and destructive relationship. I don't blame him for any of those feelings or the depression I felt from time to time. They are my feelings; my derivatives of my side of my experiences. I played into his "tabs" a little. He now possesses no more information on my career than if he were to go through the proper channels in the company we both work for (ARGH!). But by me sending it to him, he now feels like he has the leg up...oh the irony.

I'm sorry if this post is dissolving into "bitter, party of one." But he caused me to choose to have so much pain in my life for the past few years. He does not deserve to take part in my renaissance. That would be like Osama Bin Ladin putting up the money to rebuild the World Trade Towers.

So I'm being selfish, at least from what his point of view is. But for the first time I'm going to say with earnest that I now know that there are definately times in life that one HAS to be selfish. Me being selfish is me dealing with my flaws. The irony is that I've finally become unselfish with my true feelings towards myself and those around me. Life is too short to play nice, be passive aggressive, or let bygones be bygones because we try to avoid all conflict all of the time.

Related, and indirectly related: REAL friends are those you can apologize to without thinking twice. REAL friends are those you've already forgiven well before they apologize to you.