Last One on the Blog Train

I'm ready.
2 years and four months later I have memories that bring more smiles than disgust. It took a lot of filtering, a lot of talking in circles and a lot of private thoughts about my ex that were just plain mean. I guess you could say I've forgiven him. Not sure if I'll ever call him up to tell him personally (some communication lines are best left severed) but I feel a certain level of ease and understanding about the entire 4 and a half year relationship.

I'm kinda lonely.
It took a certain level of self-induced emotional, mental and physical isolation for me to get past it all. Unfortunately that took its toll along the way. I'd rather not think of the countless friendships or possible boyfriends that could have been. I cut myself off and purposefully made myself unavailable and elusive, in my mind, to save others from the baggage I still carried. I don't like to burden or have others feel responsible to or for me.

I'm singular again.
Even in the two years after the break up my name was still attached to a dual hyphenate "Matt-and-Rich" as people tried to figure out my juxtaposition to certain places, times, events, etc. It happens when you are with someone. You tend to become as one and act as one. The addition is almost immediate, the subtraction is another story.

I'm kinda over myself.
I went through (and still do from time to time) some seriously selfish phases leading up to and resulting from the break up. I wore my ego as a Cloak of Invincibility as I learned to socially operate on my own again. That got boring. The quirky ones, the guys with a self-awareness of themselves are the more attractive ones. The Invincible ones come off as two-dimentional and shallow.

I'm comfortable with emotion in any form again.
After my break up emotions took on these extremes that, frankly, wore me out. I fought hard to stay even keeled, which I think led me to becoming temporarily emotionally mute. Kind of like having to say "I'm sad." or "I'm happy" after a Botox treatment; unable to register a facial change.

I'm really really curious.
As to what dating and crushing and exploring and relating to a new man in my life will be like. I'm interested in seeing how a "Matt" with some life experiences navigates through it all in NYC, versus the "Matt" who was bright eyed and wet behind the ears the first time around in DC.

Yeah, its time....